You, He and Loser Makes Three

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Daddy Stories

This is a very exciting time in our household. You could say that it is always an exciting time in our household considering our penchant for getting stuck in our car or taking a kid with pneumonia on vacation, but this is different. Good things are happening.

As you learned in my last post, Malcolm is moving up to elementary school. Talking to the school about him, I am learning about the tremendous strides he is taking. They say things like, “He is demonstrating a huge leap in his social maturity,” and “His brain is starting to operate in the second plane, (whatever that means, I assume it’s good. Two planes must be better than 1!) Mind you, my standards are not very high, I take it as a good day whenever the teacher doesn’t pull me aside and tell me that he tried to eat one of his classmates. Things are looking up for little Malkie.

Amy is also killing it. They announced earlier this week that Amy has joined the Workday software company (company announcement can be found here.) It is an amazing opportunity where she can get on board with an awesome company and make it even awesomer. The outpouring of good wishes she has received has been thrilling and she is so super-stoked. She hasn’t had this much spring in her step since I replaced the insoles in her work shoes with marshmallows.

Then there’s me. I haven’t had a job in more than six years and, at this point, I am unemployable.  While Malcolm took a music theory class at school, I had an existential debate (with myself) over whether it was really necessary for my deodorant to function properly. (It’s not, should I care? Jury’s still out.) Amy’s job announcement contains the words “Amazing,” “Passionate” and “Visionary.” The words people use to best describe me are “Grating,” “Bad At Grammar” and “Fatso.” I just made a conscious decision to leave a oven pan in our car because it reminded me of the potato skins that it used to contain and the very thought brought me happiness. I spend the first five minutes of every new conversation explaining away the stains and old name tags in various stages of decay I have dotted around my sweatshirt. I am not exactly on fire.

I like to sit in little chairs and make bacon! (And, yes, those are the swim trunks I was still wearing from the day before.)

So what do you do when everyone around you is kicking ass and taking names and you are getting your ass kicked and have to  remind everyone what your name is? You could work really hard and do something successful yourself, or take the easier route and just make up a lie about something successful you’ve done (why yes, I did just discover the cure for narcolepsy. I’ll email the pharmaceutical company just after I take this nap…) There are some uber stay at home parents out there that manage to make a name for themselves in spite of the million things they are doing around the house for the their family. Those people usually crap out after a few years of constant methamphedical use.

The rest of us are content to share in the joy of those around us, the veritable special sauce on the double cheeseburger of our families. It’s not the most glamorous job in the world to be a condiment, but this job is not about glamor. It’s about being there, day after day, spread on the bun to make everything just right (think this metaphor is dead yet? I don’t! This job is about being poured into a plastic container and dipping your french fries in it when no one else is looking.) I’ll gladly leave the glamor to those who have functioning deodorant.

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8 Responses to “You, He and Loser Makes Three”

  1. neil says:

    great post paul. way to go all three of you.

  2. Marj says:

    Dude, you cook killer bacon. If it wasn’t that you are married, well also that I’m married, oh and that you are a dude, I would marry you for your bacon.

  3. Maribeth says:

    I love that you are a condiment. I have been there too. If you analyze each condiment you will see the need for us. For example let’s take ketchup – correct spelling is CATCHup – always needed around a busy family. Pickle relish – nothing wrong with relishing what you do. And of course Mayonnaise, correctly pronounced MANaise – just proves that condiments can be equally good no mater which sex they are. So congratulations to your family – condiments included.

  4. Anne says:

    Paul – just found your blog while I was procrastinating at work. I’ll be damned if I didn’t get some positive reinforcement for being lazy.
    Well done. Hilarious!
    Anne Mania

    • Annemaniac! Great to hear from you. Hope things are well. I am doing well. Quite well. In fact, my life is a long series of great decisions. Like going to law school to teach me how to become a stay at home dad. And eating bacon.

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