Amy and I are the best parents in the world (some of the time.) When we are not the best parents in the world, though, we may be the worst. Some of the things that we do, or don’t do as the case may be, are so shockingly demonstrative of poor parenting that you would think we were accustomed to raising llamas.
For Christmas this year, I got Malcolm a shaving kit. It consists of a plastic razor, an old school shaving brush and a canister of shaving cream. The “shaving cream” is fake, it actually just spews out bubbles. The canister has a picture of Batman on it, so naturally Malcolm thinks it is the most badass present I ever got him. He loves to shave and enjoys the set every time he takes a bath. He is quite thorough, even shaving his forehead and between his eyebrows. I take great pleasure in this, because it’s really the only way for me to get him to put soap of any sort on his face. On paper, it was a brilliant parenting move.
My brilliance was counteracted by my subsequent failure to warn Malcolm about the dangers of real razors. The thought never even crossed my mind, so it was pretty shocking to find Malcolm in our bathtub last week with a thick stream of blood running from his bottom lip to his chest. Evidently, he resumed his shaving routine with Amy’s razor. I didn’t hide my emotion very well and afterwards had to explain to Malcolm what, “HOLY SHIT!” means. After cleaning off the river of blood from his body, I belatedly gave him the lecture on why real razors are dangerous and how his plastic razor is safe. From the amount of blood that he lost, I think he got my point. I then apologized for being a bad dad. Sometimes, I don’t think I’m even fit to raise a llama.
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Poor Malcolm! But don’t beat yourself up. My mom was really overprotective, and I still remember the time I shaved off my eyebrow with my Dad’s razor at age 6. (Then again, maybe that story makes both me and my mom look retarded.)
A friend of mine found her two year old scarfing down her birth control pills and washing it down with the last of the wine from the previous night. So cheer up, she’s almost as unfit as you guys.
I guess the good thing about parenting is that you are never too far away from people who make you feel completely competent. I feel pretty good right about now, if not a little shocked at the mental imagery of a 6 year-old with one eyebrow or a toddler with a glass of wine and bottle of pills. Thanks for sharing!