What I Would Do With All That Money

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Miscellaneous Waste of Time

The lottery is being held tonight for a half a billion dollars. That’s a lot of money. While driving home from dropping off Malcolm just now, I got to thinking of how many Slim Jim’s I could buy with that money. Then I let my mind really wander and here’s what would happen if I won:

1. I would buy the Slim Jim company and rename it, “Fat Paul.” Eating all those Slim Jims would take its toll.

2. I would buy tickets to opening day for the Giants. I recently looked for tickets and found upper deck tickets for $163 each, plus a $25 (per ticket!) “convenience fee.” Grand total for the three of us to go was around $550. You shouldn’t need to hit the lottery to watch your team play baseball. Shame on you Giants.

Spring Training. This was nice. There's be a lot more of this.

3. I would get a nanny. It would have to be a guy, making him more of a manny. He would teach Malcolm to play baseball, cook and learn math. He’d be like me in every way except one: he wouldn’t be filthy stinking rich. Rich people throw tantrums, they don’t put up with them.

4. I would buy a plane. That way, I could fly wherever I wanted whenever I wanted without having to check on someone else’s schedule. Then I would paint it brown and name it Slim Jim. Planes can’t get fat, can they? Besides, I have never seen a dark brown airplane. I bet it would look sweet. I’d probably put a tape deck in it.

5. I would buy my plane a plane. Where does a plane go to get away from it all? Anywhere it wants when it has its own plane.

6. I’d buy Canada. Amy would hate it, since she doesn’t really like cold weather, hockey or gravy, but I like most of those things. I’d turn all the French speakers into an army of drones dead set on churning out the best cheeses this world has ever seen. Then I’d change the national anthem to something by the White Stripes, (probably Seven Nation Army, just to confuse people.)

7. I’d start a non-profit dedicated to women’s health. By “women’s health,” I mean wine. I guess I am saying I would just drink a lot of really good wine.

8. I would start a school for cats. Cats really serve no purpose in life. That must change. No one gets a free ride when I am a power broker!

9. I would buy Amy a nice pair of sunglasses. I’m not saying her glasses now aren’t nice, I’m just speculating that they might be better with 500 million dollars in the bank.

10. I’d download some new music. I’ve been waiting a while to get the Mumford and Sons album. Maybe I could just hire them to become the soundtrack for my life, humming theme music for my day and making it seem that I smell really good.

11. I’d buy a monocle.

12. I would rename my self Taco Cobra. We had a guy in our dad’s group who used that as his screen name. We thought it was the coolest thing ever. The first time we met him, he brought bacon wrapped jalapenos. He had a chain attached to his belt in TWO locations. He was awesome. He’s gone now, though. I would love to meet him again and say, “Who’s the Taco Cobra NOW, dog?”

13. I would get counseling. It seems like my list of things I want to do after winning the lottery is to just rename everything. That’s weird.

14. I’d rename my counselor Mister Fixit. Or Doctor Feelgood.

What would you do?


4 responses to “What I Would Do With All That Money”

  1. Stu Wilson says:

    Bet it all on black!

  2. Matzel says:

    Thoughtful reporting, as always!

  3. Laurie says:

    I’d wake up for an hour of yoga and then a massage and facial. Then I’d stroll down the beach for lunch at Big Daddy Paul’s Taco Cobra Shack for a fish taco. You’d talk me into also having a Dos Equis or two under the shade of an umbrella while watching dolphins play in the water. Something like that….

  4. Tracy says:

    I’d join you in #7. Forget the rest.

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