What I Would Do For A Dave’s Taco

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Miscellaneous Waste of Time

I am a simple man. Oh sure, I can put on airs and extol the virtues of foie gras or a properly executed bordelaise, but that’s not really me. Truth be told, if the police ever stumbled upon the pile of cadavers I’ve got locked away in our crawlspace and I had to choose one last meal, it would be a taco. Not any old taco, mind you. The taco of which I speak is special, holding an almost magical quality over me for the last 20 years. No, the taco befitting my last meal would be a Dave’s taco.

I find this picture oddly arousing

A dave’s taco is simple: tortilla, meat, sauce. I could bore you with details about the grilled tortilla, or the oyster sauce marinated tri-tip, but honestly you could get that anywhere. The thing that separates a Dave’s taco from the rest of the taco world is the sauce. The sauce is good. Really fucking good. Smack yo momma good. Rich, orange and spicier than a baboon’s ass on the Fourth of July, the sauce elevates the taco into a symphony of heat and flavor. I don’t usually eat garbage, but when I see all the plates thrown out at Dave’s garbage can, I actually consider diving in there and licking plates clean. I’d tell you what’s in the sauce to make it so special, but I have no idea. Dave won’t tell me, and I am not sure biochemists could break down all the ingredients involved.

So every time I am in Bakersfield, I treat myself to a taco orgy, consuming at least eight at each sitting. Dave still knows my name, despite the fact that I once went 10 years without eating there. And when I am done with my bender, my face and fingers still dripping with sauce, I wonder, “When will I be able to eat here again?”

I started thinking the other day about the things I would do if it meant I got to eat at Dave’s. For your enjoyment, here is what I came up with:

I would become one of those deodorant testers who stick their nose in other people’s armpits.

I would wear the Hot Dog On A Stick uniform in public.

I would go to Bakersfield, even in summer!

For a gallon of the sauce, I would watch a movie narrated by Bjork while eating popcorn seasoned with salmon salt.

If Dave opened up a delivery service, I would wear crotchless chaps in a mosquito breeding tent.

For a “Tacos of the Week” basket, I would use a Q-Tip laced with whale diarrhea.

If you gave me the recipe for Dave’s sauce, I would wash your back. If you made it for me, I would wash your front. (Thanks Fletch, for that one!)

Lastly, if you could somehow convince Dave to move into our guest bedroom (without a weapon and a few lengths of rope, which turned out to be not such a good idea) I would do it all, on national TV, on Superbowl Sunday. Naked. They are that good.

Speaking of tacos, it’s lunchtime here, and I gotta start moseying…


7 responses to “What I Would Do For A Dave’s Taco”

  1. Amy says:

    How many did you have?

  2. […] shut down from overeating and spice poisoning. (If you want to see how good I think they are, check this post out.) I suggest a minimum of eight, although if you want bonus points (pounds) you can easily […]

  3. Nicole says:

    Heard today that Dave has passed away. Saw your blog and thought you might want to know.

  4. christine Keplinger says:

    I have been eating Dave’s tacos since i was 3 years old! i moved to Oklahoma in “97” and crave his tacos ALL the time. I’m constantly looking on the web for a recipe. If i ever find one, or figure it out myself, I will let you know!

  5. Bre says:


    This isn’t exact but it’s close. They marinate the meat as well and that is the icing on the cake but my aunt makes this version all the time and it is superb!!

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