Stay at home dad seeks role model for 3.5 year old. Must be a boy. I don’t have anything against girls, but if I tell Malcolm to act like a girl, there is no telling where it will end. Princess parties? My Little Pony? Watching Gossip Girl? Little boys have it tough at this age. It seems like their metabolism requires that they freak out every 10 minutes or so, and have the constant urge to destroy everything in their paths. Is there a perfect little boy out there? I’d like to find out.
Must not be violent. Malcolm has recently learned what the term, “kill” means. This and his desire to make a gun, sword or bow and arrow out of anything he can get his hands on, are a bad combination. Role model must never pretend to be a dinosaur and eat everything he doesn’t care for. Role model need not dry hump everyone he comes across, but general friendliness would be appreciated.
Must be calm. Role model must have triggering word that creates calmness. I don’t mind a little rambunctiousness, but if I say the word, “mellow,” the role model should immediately stop screaming and running around. Where does a child get all the energy of a meth addict after a score? I don’t care, just give me a word to make it all go away. There cannot be a limit on the number of times the safety word is used, as my child is a total spaz most of the day.
Must not crave sweets. We feed our kid as little sugar as possible, as sugar only intensifies a little boy’s negative behavior. However, the urge to consume chocolate is second only to the urge to kill. Role model must only ask for sweets once a week, and prepares for it by eating vegetables all week long.
Must not whine. Role model will never, ever, fall apart when it doesn’t get what it wants. If the above conditions are met however, there may be nothing to whine about. “Waaaaaaaaah, I want ice cream. Waaaaaaah I want to run around in circles. Waaaaaah, I want to remove the cat’s brain with this sword.”
So that’s it. Any role models out there?
Tags: Malcolm misbehaves
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of course you need to build one of these role models from scratch
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