I was showing Malcolm some of his baby pictures the other day, and I realized that we have some real humdingers from his first couple of months. Anyone who is having second thoughts about having children, read on:
Newborn babies aren’t much fun. They sleep most of the time, and even when they are “up” they do not provide much satisfaction. Luckily, you aren’t getting much sleep, so you aren’t so fun yourself.
Most of the time, when a baby makes this face, they are about to throw up or take a shit (or both!) Stay far away from the baby when the brow furrows.
Be careful about highlighting your baby. Amy and I played a rousing game of “use a yellow highlighter to show which features belong to you.” Actually, there is a name for when your baby turns this color, it is either jaundice or leprosy, I forget which. I anticipate this will be the same look Malcolm gives me when I tell him he can’t have a pony when he is 12.
Babies cry. A lot. Right before this was taken, I told Malcolm that he was probably not going to go to a very good college, and he completely freaked out. I called him a baby and stormed out of the room.
Sometimes you do what you think is a good idea and your child looks at you like you are fucking insane. I think this was the first time that Amy washed Malcolm’s testicles.
Eventually, your kid gets curious about the world, and things get much more enjoyable. Even a walk to the park can become a whole new world of experiences. Malcolm and I are both nervous eaters, so it was no surprise that new experiences would lead to something getting chomped on. Here, it was the Baby Bjorn.
I do not know what is going on here. He looks like a cross between a rap star and an extra terrestrial. I think right after this picture was taken, he coughed up a puppy. Not sure why.
Eventually, you wade through the pile of puke and shit, and something like this happens. Three months of sleepness nights and stressful days fade away, and you get the best five minutes you can ever remember happening. Wait, that is overly sentimental. Let’s try this again. This is a picture of Malcolm sitting on the cat. Better, much better.
Tags: Malkie
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November 11th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
It is an amazing trick that parents think their baby is gorgeous even though they look like an alien who just puked up a puppy. Don’t know how I would have survived those first few months if I didn’t think that freak was the most beautiful thing ever created.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:56 am
I think only a dad could have posted this. Absolutely hee-larious.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
This is hysterical…also enjoyed the Santa/Jesus debacle. I could so easily see myself doing that…