On Monday, the good folks at the Learning Channel came to our dad’s group to shoot an introductory video about who we are and what we do. They started off the day by coming to our house and shooting morning playtime with Malkie and I. We had a great time together and we both laughed a lot. The hardest part was the lengthy interview they did of me. I never got really comfortable, and, it being 9 am, it was too early to drink myself pretty. 
From there, they got in the car with Malcolm and I as we made our way to the park. I didn’t get into a wreck, and the only drama was a squirrel dancing in the road that I almost ran over.
At the park, we did our normal thing, talked NCAA hoops, made fun of each other, and enjoyed the awesome weather. (That last part was put in there merely to brag to people who live in snowy climates). At one point, Malcolm and 2 of his buddies got up on the table and started dancing. I walked over there to ask them to get down, and boy did they. They got down by shaking their butts all over the place, then started shouting, “shake your booty!” The only booty I thought Malcolm knew about was Pirate Booty!
They were with us for a good while, hoping to catch Malcolm dishing out a little punishment, but they only got an attempted biting; luckily the kid Malcolm seized was too quick to be a snack. The kids enjoyed performing for the camera, and for the most part were well behaved. Later we found out that most of the kids melted down after we dropped them off at home with the wives.
Why did we drop off the kids? Because we hit up a bar for dad’s night out. Things were going along swimmingly there until one of our members decided it would be a good idea for us to drop a shot of whiskey in our beers and then slam the whole thing. (If you’re wondering what this is, it’s called a boilermaker, and it tastes like caramel). Things degenerated quickly after this, especially because a few of the dads didn’t take their shot, so a couple of us ended up doing their shots for them. I know that this behavior may surprise some of you, as I am normally a vehemently anti-binge drinking, but I was merely attempting to go with the flow. So there we were, late in the evening, pretty drunk, and exhausted from a long day, when the conversation turned to birth control and sex. Some of the guys were pretty forthcoming about everything, but somehow I managed to avoid making any wild admissions. Of course, I could be totally wrong and it’s possible that I told everyone that Amy makes me dress up like a cabbage patch doll and discipline me for being a bad little boy. I’m pretty sure that I’ve kept that a secret, though.
So that was our day, a lot of laughs, a lot of goofiness, and a whole bunch of us being us. The network will take a couple of months to make a decision. They are trying to decide whether to use our group, a group from another city, both of us, or neither. We’re not sure about whether we want to be on TV, bring added stress to our totally fun Monday mornings, or whether Child Protective Services watch cable, but for now, we had a good time filming for a day.
In case you ever find yourself shooting TV footage, I have compile a simple list of tips I learned from Monday. First, Don’t look at the camera. The camera makes you apprehensive (it is usually 4 or 5 inches from your face.) The camera makes you shy. The camera adds 15 pounds. Pretend that there are no cameras there, and you will feel freer, more confident, and thinner.
Second, use your status as TV shootee to your advantage. If there are hot moms at the park who notice you are being followed by a TV crew, hit on them. Tell the crew they made your car dirty and have them wash it. You only have so much time being the center of attention, make the most of it! I only wish that I had told the production company that we grilled steak and lobster instead of chicken apple sausages.
Lastly, the microphone turns off. This is perhaps the most important thing you will ever need to remember. I was mic’d all day, and at the bar, I realized I could actually turn of the microphone. I immediately realized, then, that I could have turned off the mic when, say, I went to the bathroom. 5 times prior to this. The audio and video went to everyone at the shoot (the execs followed the action by watching hand held monitors and listening to remote audio feeds). That means I treated the executives to the glorious sounds of my pee entering the alameda county sewer system, accompanied by the other emanations I coerced out of my body at the time. Hard to look people in the eye who have listened to you pee on headphones. I guess I know why I started doing shots…
Tags: dad's group, drinking, paul in public, TV
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Just checked TLC's Fall lineup — right between "My 800 lb. Arm" and "Eleven-tuplets Without a C-section" is the newest-sure-to-be-a-hit show: "Sounds From the Urinal." Ahhhhh.