The Most Wonderful Day Of The YearPosted by Big Daddy Paul in Daddy Stories
Hello everyone! You may have been asking yourself, “Where has Big Daddy Paul gone?” I say to you, “Mind you own damn business. I ask the questions around here.”
I know the holidays are the cruelest time to leave you all without the linguistic nuggets that so wonderfully color your days, but the truth is, I was perfectly content to not write on this blog. And then, I had the best day a parent can have and had to share it with you.
It wasn’t Thanksgiving, mind you. Thanksgiving was fun, owing mainly to the arrival of a large amount of gravy that no one, not even your spouse, can tell you to take it easy on. (I like gravy so much that I put it cold on sandwiches the next day and then revel in slurping it between my teeth.) We spent
Gravy Turkey day in Reno with grandparents, aunties and family friends, impressing and freaking the hell out of everyone by quizzing Malcolm on the number of Atlanta Falcons receivers that he knows.
It wasn’t Christmas either, despite the large number of awesome things my dad got me from the Guinness factory in Ireland (I have a Guinness hat with a bottle opener and a Guinness Piccolo. I am rad. You are jealous). We got Malcolm a Kindle fire this year, and now he can surf the internet and send emails to his grandparents. He might be too young for such things, but I will try to keep an eye out for emails promising P3nis enlargement and large Amazon orders for movies and cartoons. See, I’m a good dad! I will also throw in the joy of winning my fantasy football championship on Christmas Eve, Christmas Night and the day after. Good times indeed, but not the best.
It wasn’t New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day either. We spent good times with friends eating large amounts of cheese and bacon, explaining both why we are such good friends with Jon and Dayna and why I am fatter right now than I have ever been before. Ever. Right now, I am “the back of my neck looks like a pack of hot dogs” fat. New Years Day was fun for me as I got to watch NFL football (boo Raiders! I hate you for losing,) Malcolm got to play Wii baseball AND real baseball and Amy got to go shopping. It was a great day for all of us, but not the Most Wonderful Day of the Year.
At this point, you may have already had enough of me. No one likes to have a subject introduced, only to be lead down a plethora of dead ends. I just wanted you to make sure you really missed me. Sometimes you think you want something, like a nacho bath, and then when you actually get it, you are left with sticky body hair and a trail of curious mice. Yep, you missed me.
Easily, the Most Wonderful Day of the Year is “The Day Your Kids Go Back To School.” It should be a national holiday, only that would mean your kids wouldn’t go to school and it would just be another shitty day where you gotta find stuff to do. Summer can be grueling, considering it lasts for what seems like 6 months, but at least you can go run around outside or stick them in camps. The holidays are filled with long nights, travel, loads of sugar and things that Santa/Hannuka Harry DIDN’T get your kid. This results in your perfectly nice little child being turned into an angry badger. During the holiday, you can’t even deal with the angry badger like you normally would, fearing that the family staying with you might frown on you whacking your child over the head with an Elf on a Shelf and threatening to strap them to the furnace. As much fun as the holidays are, there is a certain amount of stress involved for parents.
And that, my friends is why yesterday was so awesome. Malcolm told me that he didn’t want to go to school, and I thought to myself, “Good, I didn’t particularly want to watch you melt down for an hour after I asked you to take five minutes to clean up after a game we just played.” As I sat in an empty house, tweaking the nacho bath idea (tortilla chip Speedo? No, that’s just weird. Or IS it?”) I enjoyed a quiet moment. And. Just. Did. Nothing.
Except figure out a way to use more sentence fragments. I’m back, baby!