Amy and I are struggling with what to do with Malcolm. This is not a struggle in the vein of, “What do we do with Malcolm, he is annoying and has just hit the cat with a baseball bat.” Our current struggle involves what we will do with his educational future. He meets the cutoff for the Oakland Unified School District next year, so the decision, which we have conveniently been putting off until now, will actually have to be made soon. As I see it, we have three options:
#1 – Private School. This is where really successful people are molded into tomorrow’s leaders. They have tailored curricula, nice playgrounds and, from what I have seen on the internet, pretty hot teachers. It is undoubtedly our first choice but has some drawbacks. First, I have never met anyone who went to private school that is remotely interesting. Sure, they are successful and good at math, but they wear uncomfortable looking scarves and talk about, “Summering on the cape,” whatever that means. Private school is where social awkwardness is taught as a subject, and I can’t the thought out of my head that Malcolm will turn out like Alex P. Keaton if he goes to private school. Also, the cost of private is school is outrageous! I took a good look at our finances and the only way we will be able to afford to put Malcolm through private school will be for Amy to get a second job. I briefly looked at returning to the workforce but then realized that if I went back to work I would have to wear clean clothes and brush my teeth almost every day. Not likely!
#2 Public School - Public school has no additional cost, and is close enough for me to walk Malcolm to school every day. How cool is that? Our local school has good test scores, an active PTA and is painted a very nice salmon and teal color. The problem is that the teacher to student ratio is about a 100 to 1, and Malcolm may not fully realize his potential as part of the herd. More likely, he will be involved in knife fights learn to spray paint. Oakland private schools create people like Cher Wang, biollionaire chairwoman of High Tech Computer Corporation, while Oakland Unified’s pride and joy is Tom Hanks. 
Don’t get me wrong, I liked Bosom Buddies but I am not sure that should be the ceiling for Malcolm’s possible success. Who knows, if Tom Hanks had gone to private school he may have turned out like Sir Anthony Hopkins.
#3 – Neither. Before you go complaining to authorities that I would be the worst home school teacher ever (which I undoubtedly would) this option is more along the lines of holding Malcolm back until he is emotionally and intellectually ready for the rigours of kindergarten. At his current rate of progression, I am thinking he will be ready when he is about 14. This will have the added benefits of allowing him to choose which school he wants to attend, and will make him the cool guy that can buy beer in the sixth grade. Plus, being nine years older than the competition, he will dominate the athletics scene. And really, this is the best thing we can do for him as parents. At this point, it looks like we will be able to dodge the decision for at least another year.
I have to admit that I am extremely nervous about the decision. The stakes are high, and I don’t want to make the wrong choice. Look at me; I am an unemployed, underachieveing product of the public school system, and I have frittered away enough talent to choke a mule. (By the way, it takes a lot to choke a mule, if you haven’t tried.) On the other hand, I cannot help but think of the dread I will feel if comes home one day wearing an uncomfortable scarf and asks where we are planning to summer. Either way, it’s gonna be a tough call.
Tags: parenting
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I went to private school. And I only wear comfortable scarves. If that helps you at all.
Even comfortable scarves do not appear to be a selling point to me. I would all too easily fall into the trap of trying to blow my nose in them.
Homeschooling is not really an option for us as a) I am a worthless human being, and 2) Malcolm doesn’t listen to a word I say, which would actually be a good thing considering a). Anyone got a million dollars lying around for Malcolm’s education that they aint gonna use?
Homeschooling is a 3rd option
Have you met Paul? Homeschooling is not an option.
On the one hand, as expensive as private school might be, being stupid is more.
On the other, ignorance is bliss.
…and not all of us summer on the Cape. Some of us summer in the Hamptons.
[...] was extraordinarily difficult, and if you would like to read more about our decision, check out this post. Ultimately, we decided to do everything in power to keep Malcolm from being a crackhead stripper [...]