The Fine Line Between Being a Stay at Home Dad and Being a Pervert

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Paul is a Dork

So we we were at the park yesterday, as we always are on Mondays, having a good time and enjoying the afternoon.  We were in Castro Valley (a suburb) and the park was full of regular looking moms, dads, and nannies.  (Of course, there was one really hot dad there but he carries himself so well that you would never know it.)

We were preparing to leave, when a nanny with enormous breasts walked by us.  Of course, I alerted the dad’s still there to her presence by saying the following, “Man I had an enormous breakfast this morning.  And when I say enormous, I mean enormous (Nodding her way.)”  The other fellas took my cue and one by one we were able to gaze with wonder at the nanny’s exceptional “parenting skills.”  And then an extremely hot mom walked right by, followed closely by another.  We looked around and the place had become overrun by hot moms and nannies. What great luck!  Sadly, nap time was quickly approaching, and we were charged with either staying at the park or honoring nap time.

Ultimately, we respected the schedule, and walked the kids to the car, saddened to leave the party just when it was getting good.  We walked past the swings where one of the hot moms was standing, and our conversation stopped as we both had to suck in our gut so far that neither of us could breathe, much less talk.  When we got to the cars, I turned back for one final glimpse of the park, and wouldn’t you know it, the moms were checking us out!  Well, according to me they were checking us out, in reality they were probably just shaking their heads and making sure the perverts were actually leaving the park.

There were a couple of new guys there, so I thought I would give a few pointers to help new stay at home dads ogle hot women without getting busted:

1. Wear sunglasses (the mirrored lenses).  No one can see what you are looking at and if you point yourself in the right direction, you are, for all intents and purposes, looking at a tree.

2. Never point, it’s rude. Nod discreetly, use the hours of the clock to indicate direction, use children as reference points. Women know when they are getting pointed at, and generally don’t like it.  Now if you say, “I find that 12:00 is the best time of day to enjoy a chicken leg, you will generally be fine.”

3. Never, ever use the terms rack, hooters, or fun bags.  Also, never, ever say, “check out.”  It’s just too obvious.  A couple of dad’s almost got kicked out of a park in Berkeley for pointing at a sunbather and saying, “check out the rack on that one.”  “That one” was, of course aware of what was going on, and trouble ensued.

4. Do not approach women.  It is icky and weird and no one likes getting hit on at a park (even me!).  Now if your kid goes over there you are free to follow.  As the kids get older, you can train them to go over and say, “Mommy’s in heaven”  There is no better wing man on a planet than a kid.

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2 responses to “The Fine Line Between Being a Stay at Home Dad and Being a Pervert”

  1. Juddy says:

    You can't leave out the classics: the fake Something-is-in-my-eye, that's-why-I'm craning-my-neck-around-to-check-out-the-boobies, or, my other favorite, the "Ooops, I dropped something, now I'm picking it up and, really, just staring at hot chicks." Fail proof.

  2. […] Good question, Brad. Although I haven’t seen the inside of a gym for a few years, I am a relative scholar when it comes to the subject of ogling women. Men are simple creatures, and when a beautiful female is present, straight men are capable of performing only one task. Thus, if a man is ogling, he cannot do simple things like listen to music, read or even finish a sentence. Hence, your ear bud removal. If you plan on ogling regularly, please review my rules for engagement in this post. […]

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