The End Of An Era: No More Calling My Kid A Dickwad

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Daddy Stories

Here he is reading "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." He has already asked for a kindle. It's getting a little spooky, especially because I am actually considering getting him one.

Malcolm can read. This is a monumental milestone on par with successful potty training, learning to drive and getting drunk and throwing up for the first time. Most people would be excited by such a development, marveling in the wonderfulness of the progression of their kid’s academic career. Me? Not so much.

The other day, Malcolm walked in the room and asked what I was doing. I told him that I was writing a story (a blog post), and, ever the eager little beaver, he asked if he could read it. I quickly scanned the post and realized that I had just memorialized how he had just fucked up all his work at school and then farted in front of the head of the school and his teacher. My heart sank.

If he wasn’t able to read, I could have just told him that my story chronicled the magical journey of a pony to the secret land of huggleberries. His reading as abilities would quickly negate that approach, however, so I told him that he couldn’t read it and that he needed to go wash the car. He looked at my quizzically, turned and ran back to his pretend basketball game. Phew!

One day, though, that solution will be insufficient. He will eventually get a hold of my blog and I cannot even consider my level of shame if he finds out all the nasty things I say about him. My job as a parent is to give him the tools needed to survive in this crazy world and perhaps the most important of those tools is self-confidence. I am thinking it will be a pretty big dent in his self-image if he reads stories here where I refer to him as an “asshole.” Could you imagine the pain you would feel when your kid looks at you with big, sad eyes and asks why wrote mean things about them? Yuck.

So, that’s it folks. I am hereby getting off the “calling my kid nasty things” train. Instead, I’ll get on the “making fun of everyone else in the world and building a positive self image in my child” train. (I’m not sure where, exactly, this train goes, but I am pretty sure it stops in Huggleberrytown.) I will, of course, still honestly describe the silly situations we get ourselves in and the frustrations of raising a kid. I’ll just do it in a way that won’t bring on therapy (probably for both of us) later in life. I am not exactly sure how it will look, but rest assured you’ll be entertained.

Malcolm is a dufus.

(Oops, that kinda slipped out.)


2 responses to “The End Of An Era: No More Calling My Kid A Dickwad”

  1. Laurie says:

    Its only a matter of time before Malcolm turns the table and starts blogging about his bacon farting father.

  2. Turnabout is fair game, I guess. I didn’t even think about that…

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