The Economics Of Being Late To School

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Uncategorized

This may come as a shock to you, but getting a child ready for school each day is almost impossible. Despite the fact that we follow the same routine every day, Malcolm always seems dismayed when I insist that we eat breakfast, brush teeth, put clothes on and actually get out the door.

I aint leaving without a fight. You got that coppers?!

Judging by his attempts to delay the inevitable march out the door, you might guess that I was preparing him to leave the house to be dropped off at the neighborhood coal mine instead of the place where he gets to do interesting projects and play with his best friends. I could possibly rationalize it as his expressing his preference to stay at home and play with me, but since I achieve a certain level of freedom after dropping him off at school, I stoutly resent his his efforts to thwart the daily routine.

I did some quick math and figured that we pay about $.19 a minute for his preschool. We are usually 5-10 minutes late every day, meaning we are losing $1-2 a day because he wants to giggle with joy at how annoyed I get that he won’t put on his underpants. That adds up quick, amounting to roughly a six pack of beer a week. Interestingly, I blame my need of a six pack of beer per week on the fact that I have to fight him every day to get ready to go to school. Double Whammy!

If you add that up for the whole year, his shenanigans end up costing two entire days of school. Two days! With that time, he could be learning how to read or do math problems. He could learn that the word for cheese in Spanish is “Queso” and not “flabiddy doodah.” He might even learn that punching daddy in the groin is not an acceptable way to indicate that he is ready to eat. Instead, he would rather debate the logistics of how many socks he can wear on each foot, or insist yuck mouth isn’t that bad of a fate for a boy who no longer wishes to brush his teeth. This bums me out to no end.

Of course, I try to command obedience through incentives for getting ready. Alternating the carrot and stick approach, I either threaten him for poor performance or offer rewards for meeting deadlines, depending on how much sleep I got the night before. Neither of these seem to work, and I fear Malcolm just likes to fuck with my head. He sees my agony when he runs off and hides when it is time to get ready. He smiles at my displeasure when he poo-poos my fashion selection for the day and then takes five minutes to select the perfect shirt. He squeals with delight while running down the driveway away from his car seat. I almost feel like one trip to the coal mine would do wonders for making him realize that he has a pretty good gig and he should appreciate it. That way, he could start paying off the $2 a day he is wasting.

2 responses to “The Economics Of Being Late To School”

  1. lisa b says:

    maybe you can convince him to go to the coal mine & find a huge diamond so that you guys can all live filthy rich & “happily ever after” 🙂

    • Maybe I can sell Malcolm to the coal mine, and use that money to go to Vegas. Juddy, you have neighbors, they just tend to be wild animals that will try to eat you if you shake hands with them. Meg, I think I am gonna have to give my garbage dude a 12 pack this year. What a cool idea!

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