On Gilligan’s Island, the castaways used coconuts for money. International Drug dealers use $100 bills. If you want to buy a new girlfriend in prison, you pay with cigarettes. Four-year-olds have no money, so they must get creative. I studied Malcolm and his friends to find the currency they use in their various transactions. Here is what I found:
Affection: Affections are thrown about liberally in Malcolm’s world. They are given as tips, as in “Daddy, I love you” after you buy ice cream. They are also sanctions imposed upon unwanted behavior, i.e., “If you don’t let me watch a show, I am not going to love you anymore.” Â When things get especially hairy on the playground, one child may tell another, “I hate you.” This is the childhood equivalent of stiffing the waitress at a diner. In real terms, affection costs around a dollar.
Friendship Status: Far more important than mere affection, friendship status is used as a twenty dollar bill. It settles large debts and wagers. It is a deposit on bowling shoe rental. If you invite Malcolm over to your house for a play date, you will often be told that you are going to be his friend forever. If you cross, him, though, like I did this morning by telling him he was in trouble for spitting in mommies’ face, you are informed that you are no longer his friend. Bowling shoe deposit: gone. Twenty dollar bills are pretty easily replaced, though, so don’t worry if you have been unfriended. You’ll be buddies again soon.
Treats: Treats are big. Usually Malcolm has a bag of something going, like halloween candy, or easter candy, or a goodie bag from a friend’s birthday. He uses treats in a variety of ways. He’ll use the bag of treats to demonstrate his good behavior at school, as in, “Daddy, I didn’t get in trouble at school. Can I have a treat?” He will also use it as a used car, trading it in for something really special. “Daddy, instead of having a treat can I watch Mulan?” He knows that treats are not every day pleasures, much like the look of a $100 bill (a rare sight in my wallet.)
Birthday parties: Jackpot. Birthday parties are the equivalent of a bar of gold. Reserved only for meaningful occasions, good or bad, invitations to birthday parties are used to convey a profound connection to the matter at hand. Child A whacks Child B over the head with a shovel. Child C tackles Child A and sits on his head. For this heroic act of bravery, Child B will often invite Child C to his/her birthday. Birthday parties are valuable enough to trade on the open market, as I usually get an update on where things stand when picking up Malcolm from preschool.
Daddy, I see here that Emma's birthday's at an all-time low. She must have peed herself again!!!
The kids run up to me to tell me that Malcolm is invited to Adil’s birthday, but Gael is not invited to Malcolm’s birthday. Nobody likes the weird kid, Evan, so his stock sags in the corner by itself. I tell you, the NASDAQ isn’t as hard to follow as the birthday party market, especially since the invitations change drastically depending on how grumpy your child is.
So, that’s how markets move in our world. What do your kids use?
Tags: tantrums
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I (or rather my imaginary friend) blogged about 2 examples just last week. To get what I wanted from a 4 year old cost me $0.99 for an iPhone App (LightSaber) but for my 21 year old she held out for a longchamp makeup bag at over $50 http://www.wtfistheacevest.com/2010/04/power-of-bribery.html
Hmm, I hadn’t considered the possibility that currency values fluctuate over time. Bummer.
I got a “you just made me really angry at you” and a “please just stop talking to me” tonight. How much are those worth?
@Amy – from Malcolm or Paul?
Roughly a quarter.
coming with me to do the weekly shop = one comic, one bag of sweets and a choice of breakfast cereals.
Being quiet while friends are here = one DVD on the TV upstairs
not killing your Brother = 20 minutes playing football one on one time.
Almost sounds like a Mastercard ad! Just add “Growing up and not becoming a sociopath: priceless.”
At just over 8 weeks, the only currency this kid listens to is the booby. That and standing up with as little help as possible, that’s getting to be all the rage.
It’s funny how boobies become one of the dominant forms of currency later in life too, eh?