I am not the best father in the world. I can say this now, while Malcolm hasn’t learned how to read, but it is in fact true. At my stay at home dad’s group, we guys sit around drinking beer and making fun of each other (and each other’s kids) while the kids desperately beg for attention. Malcolm constantly must tell me to put down my phone so that we can finish our role playing games (in the latest one, I was the driver of the circus train who was mauled by the lion in the caboose when the train derailed and the animals were set free. Who comes up with stuff like that?) Malcolm tells me to stop “working” on facebook and put away my computer so that we can do puzzles together. I know my limitations and try to keep focused on the job of raising our son as best as I can.
Recently, however, my thoughts have been taken up by a new circumstance. I few months ago, my dad’s group was approached by a representative from The Learning Channel about an idea for a show they were considering. They wanted to follow a dad’s group around and see what it is like for a man to function as a stay at home parent. I thought this was an excellent idea, and was interested in learning how to be a better parent. Sadly, they wanted to show us. We submitted an audition tape for them to get a sense of who we were. I did a little too much opening up, though, and for some reason I found myself talking about my favorite toothless prostitutes in Oakland in my audition tape. Did I mention that this was for a show on a network called “The Learning Channel?” At the time, the group was a little tight in front of the camera, so I wanted to set the stage for everyone to loosen up. I ended up overcompensating and going far, far off the deep end, ending up discussing things more appropriate for a priest in a confession booth.
Imagine my surprise a few months later when TLC got hold of us again and told us that they had selected our group and one other to proceed with. (!) They told us they weren’t quite sure what they had yet, and still needed to decide whether to use our group, the other group, both groups, or a show about the Octamom. Here’s where things get distracting for me. They also told me that they were going to shoot a pilot using our dad’s group and that they were going to send a film crew up to film a couple of days in our life. They want to show what the dad’s group is like, and also follow people home to see what happens in the home. At this point, I am on the short list of people that they want to follow home, and this is particularly terrifying because of the dizzying pace of lies I told on the audition tape. (I am going to have to start donating time to charity and cooking well, or they will know that the jig is up!)
So today, at a local kid’s play area, Malcolm threw pitchers of water on toddlers, took pretend eggs away from little girls, and threw pitchers of water on himself. Why? I was too busy trying to set up a web video conference with the dad’s and the production company. They are coming to tape in a few weeks, and nobody quite knows what to expect. I am not sure whether they will actually try to make a show out of us, and even if they do, whether I will be involved. I don’t know whether we will even be able to tolerate having strangers in our house. I do know, however, that I want to get the message out that there is no real reason why women need to be the ones that give up their careers to raise children and that men must go out and make the money. On second thought, maybe I’m all wrong, while I was writing this, Malcolm just dumped the entire box of crackers on the newly cleaned floor. Dumb distractions. I’ll keep you posted, but for now, if you see me on the street and I ignore you, its because I’m famous and you are not.
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