Most of the time, our mornings are OK. Malcolm wakes up just as groggily as Amy and I, and together we all slowly rise to the level of consciousness that the real world requires. Today, however, Malcolm brought the perfect storm of annoying behavior and I almost had to end his short little life prematurely.
It started somewhere around 5:45, when Malcolm came bounding into our room asking if we wanted to play. Amy muttered something about the earliness of the hour and implored him to crawl into bed to get some more sleep. I grunted and turned over, trying desperately to get back to my dream about my high school friends, a beachside pool party, and tennis babe Gabriela Sabatini. 
After a short while (over an hour) of Amy pleading with Malcolm to lie still, I finally pulled myself from the bed and took Malcolm downstairs to play. While flitting around the house like a woman in a workout video, he went into the following diatribe:
“Daddy we can have some breakkie? I want cereal. And Eggs and bacon. Do we have any yoghurt? Can I have a mint? Harry Potter has special powers. Can we play monopoly? I love you daddy. Where’s my cereal? Where’s mommy? I’m thirsty. Let’s play tic tac toe. I drew a picture of a shark. He is the smallest dot. You take the chalk and boink him on the head like this. I’m bored. Where’s breakfast? Will you play with me? I want sumping to eat.”
All this before coffee. At first, I casually reminded him that he should only ask for one thing at a time, and that he shouldn’t wine. Minutes later, I regressed to, “STOP BEING ANNOYING! I CAN’T HANDLE YOU UNTIL I DRINK MY COFFEE. GO PLAY IN YOUR ROOM WITH THE DOOR CLOSED!!!”
After breakfast, I pushed him out the backdoor and promptly locked it. When he got bored of playing with the spiders, I threw a ball out to him. He threw it over the fence and had a tantrum. At this point, I reflected on just how long it takes to make coffee and wondered if there was some faster means of jump starting my day. I gave him another ball, but his lips were blue and I could tell he was cold. (He was in pajamas and crocks.) So, I let him back in and told him to try and not irritate me until after I had my coffee. Now, I am drinking my coffee while he is playing with his legos. Either I have weathered the storm or he is planning his assault. I don’t really care, because after finishing I am going to google the shit outta Gabriela Sabatini.
Loading ...
