Japan vs. Omaha, A Photo Quiz

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Travel Stories

We took two trips recently. One was a family vacation to Japan, where we reunited with old friends, made some new ones and experienced a brand new culture. The other was a trip to Omaha, where we saw some reunited with other dear friends, made some new ones, and got to experience the Berkshire Hathaway shareholder meeting first hand.

Rather than bore you with the nitty gritty details of each, I thought I would bore you with a photo quiz. What is a photo quiz, you ask? Shut up! I ask the questions around here. Here you go:

1. Which of the following breakfast items contained more grams of fat?

a) Breakfast in Tokyo:

Miso soup with clams, tamago (egg) and Tofu.

Miso soup with clams, tamago (egg) and Tofu with scallions and soy sauce.

b) breakfast in Omaha:

A Jumbo Honeybun

A Jumbo Honeybun

Answer: With a whopping 29 grams of fat in the 141 gram bun, this would turn every geisha in Japan who ate it immediately into a sumo wrestler. “Jumbo” doesn’t refer to the size of the bun so much as the size of your buns when you eat it. Evidently, Malcolm wants a badonkadonk.

2. Why was this sign put next to the port-a-potties in a Tokyo?


Answer: I don’t know and I really don’t want to find out.

P.S. Perhaps this is just an opportunity in disguise. I am thinking a “CSI” type crime drama: “PPP: Tokyo” with PPP standing for Peeping Photo Patrol. Think Ted Danson would be interested?

3. Who is the most bad ass duo?

a) Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger

Screen Shot 2016 04 30 at 10.33.02 AM

Photo: Yahoo finance

b) These two


Answer: Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger are billionaire geniuses that have made Berkshire Hathaway one of the most successful companies on the planet. They are 85 and 92 years old, respectively, and consume Cokes and peanut brittle like ravenous goats. They are rockstars in the corporate world. Still, Malcolm and Miu will one day have an album cover that looks like this and that automatically makes them the winner. The album will be titled, “Only one of us uses chopsticks.” (Malcolm and Miu were classmates in Paris. That they will continue to be friends despite being a world apart is kinda awesome.)

4. Is this the best beef in the world?


Yes, yes it is. This is called Ohmi beef, a type of Wagyu cattle that is raised in certain areas of Japan. You’ve probably heard of Kobe beef, but Ohmi is every bit as good, if not better. The name really means, “Ohmi-fucking gawd!” We had it at a Shabu-Shabu restaurant in Kyoto, sliced paper thin and then boiled for five seconds in a broth, along with some veggies. Look at that insane marbling! It was dreamy, that’s why the picture came out the way it did.

Our friends in Omaha served us some fantastic beef from half of a cow that they recently purchased. It was spectacular. It could not, however, compete. That’s because an Ohmi steak, served like the one pound T-bone that we had in Omaha, would cost $700. Yowza!

5. Which was more crowded:

a) this intersection:


or b) this “meeting”:

Image result for how many people went to the berkshire hathaway shareholder meeting

Photo: wsj.com

Answer: They were the same! Too many people! Too little space! The Shibuya crossing in Tokyo is said to be the busiest intersection in the world, with as many as 2500 people crossing the street with each green light. It’s a lot like surfing, except with more surgical masks. The shareholder meeting is also crazy. 40,000 people go to it, filling up the nearly 8,000 seat arena and spilling into overflow rooms. Like I said, Buffett and Munger are rock stars. They had an event at a high-end jewelry store the night before, serving dinner and drinks to people who were free to roam around and check out fancy watches and diamonds, etc. There was no space to eat, so we saw plenty of people hunkered down on the floor, devouring the meatballs and carved roast which was offered at the buffet. Considering the cost of a single share of Berkshire Hathaway stock is more than $200,000, I am pretty sure we saw millionaires and possibly even billionaires eating floor meatballs. Insane!


6. We’ve traveled to many parts of the world and seen many interesting things. For my money, you can’t beat re-uniting with amazing friends. This is my friend:


She is out there every day, fighting for what she believes in. She inspires me to do the same. Find your friends, eat some steak (or peanut brittle) with them, and conquer the world.


Never, Ever Let Me Babysit Your Kid

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Miscellaneous Waste of Time

I have issues. I know this and most of you know this. For some reason, there are still people on this planet who think it is a good idea to let me watch their kid at a wedding. Not a good idea. Jeannie and Anne, thanks for inviting us to your totally fun wedding and post-wedding brunch. Kristi and Conrad (parents of the newborn shown in the following montage,) you need to pay more attention to who looks after your child.

At first I thought it would be funny if I just made it look like their daughter was missing her parents, and then I realized I could do so much more with a little creativity.

I got a few takers, but no one had any cash on them, so I continued. The wine was flowing pretty well at this point, and I hit my stride.

This had the unforeseen consequence of actually waking the baby (sheer genius usually does.) In a moment of desparation, I fell back upon the best parenting tip I ever came across.

Yep, I fed the baby some wine. It’s a little trick I picked up from Britney Spears. Did it work? You be the judge:

Like a charm! That baby couldn’t hold its liquor though, and soon she passed out, unable to express just how hungry she was. Little Bayly needn’t worry though, for I had her back:

Luckily, the parents soon returned and rescued cute little Bayly from the evil clutches of the sweaty fat man. This scenario is doomed to repeat itself until the word gets out that Big Daddy Paul is NOT the name of someone you want looking after your child. Miraculously, Amy still does, even after this picture was taken:

If Malcolm Were A World Cup Referee

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Malcolm Stories

I have been watching the World Cup. It is always entertaining to watch the referees interact with the players, as they never seem to speak the same language, but yet are able to have knock-down, drag-out arguments. Is this referee happy or sad about the player’s behavior?

This got me thinking, what if Malcolm were a World Cup Referee? What would he look like? Through the joys of technology, we can find out. Take a look!

Malcolm the referee let’s a player know that he saw the foul. “You didn’t think I saw you, but I did. Foul!”

My Popeye face and my pooping face are the same!

“Diving is for fishes. Don’t dive. Get up and play the game.”

Do these jammies make me look thin?

Offsides! I can’t believe how far offsides you are.

I can't believe how much stuff there is in my pants right now, either.

“Did I get a call right? Everyone’s complaining about the calls at the World Cup. I got a call right. Woo Hoo!!!”

I'm so pleased with myself that I'm actually constipated!

“You suck at soccer. Or football. Whatever it is, you suck at it.”

You're getting a red card. Not because of anything you did, it's just that my balls are itchy.


Don't bother brown nosing me. I already got a brown nose. (And chin. And cheeks.)

Uncomfortable Family Photos

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Miscellaneous Waste of Time

Not all pictures of parents with their kids turn out well. Need proof? Read on!


One of the people in this picture just farted. (I'll give you a hint, it wasn't my mom.)

W-W-W-W-Water t-t-t-t-toooo c-c-c-c-cold!!!

If this meathead wasn't groping me inappropriately, I would totally get down and jettison out of this thing.

OK, I am gonna take your picture on 3. One, two, click.

At some point, we thought this was a good idea. It may have been, but taking a picture of it? Not so much.

Will someone please get me away from this sweaty fat man!

Someone get me away from this sweaty fat man!

I don't care about the fucking Buckingham Palace, daddy. I want to go home!

OK, today we are going to learn how to use the abacus. Step one: take off all your clothes.

I will not give you a good "Father-Son" picture on your birthday. I won't! I won't! I won't!

Paul, I am beginning to think that sledding down the Great Wall of China isn't such a good idea.

Hey, creepy guy. I swear, if you make me hold up this sign for one more photo...

Me: Isn't Versailles fabulous?! Malcolm: meh.

Me: Isn't Versailles fabulous? We're having such a wonderful time! Malcolm: put down your arms, nimrod. You're embarrassing yourself.

OK, not technically a family picture, but still. Stop! No, keep going. Stop! Wait, do it again. Stop!

Luckily, they don’t all turn out weird.