Big Daddy Paul

Amy is San Diego hanging out with her college gal pals this weekend.  If you don’t already know this, Amy had a 10 bedroom apartment her senior year, and most of them get together once a year to celebrate the fact that they still talk to each other.  That meant I was fully responsible for Malcolm for the extended weekend, and since he had no school this week, I punted.  I decided to bring him to Bakersfield to visit my parents.  They have wanted to show Malcolm around to their friends, and I decided that I would be the bad son no more and offered to bring the child to their doorstep.

We had to get there though.  Malcolm is in the annoying phase of childhood where he is either asking, “why?” or is asking when we are going to get there.  I could not handle this for the 4+ hour trip down there, so I did some strategizing.  I decided to use the airplane trick and brought his portable DVD player.  Having him watch a movie would not only give him something to do besides get on my nerves, it would also allow me to listen to a book on tape.  So, just prior to hitting the road, we headed over to the library to pick him out a movie, and grab a book on tape for me.  He immediately chose “Castle in the Sky” which was done by Hayao Miyazaki, the man behind Ponyo and the Curious George movie. I felt a little strange showing him a movie that I had never seen before, but I figure there was no way in hell the guy who made Ponyo would make a slasher movie with lots of naked chicks in it.  For me, I got a John Grisham novel, which is a little on the fluffy side, but not too bad considering my only other option was from a russian novelist who had more syllables in his name than the book had words.

I loaded up the movie, put in the CD, and we hit the road.  Everything was going swimmingly until I started to notice that something wasn’t quite right.  Malcolm kept saying, “This isn’t my movie!”  I thought the comment strange, but he kept watching it, so I figured it was no big deal.  We stopped for lunch and he seemed to be enjoying the movie.  By the way, if you are ever on I-5 and need to stop for a meal, never, ever eat a place called the Apricot Tree.  The food there sucked, more reminiscent of “weird things you find on the side of the road” than “restaurant food.”

When we got back into the car, I put Malcolm’s movie back on, and noticed that I couldn’t really understand what the characters were talking about.  Upon closer examination I realized that it was because the movie was in Japanese.  Although the movie did have english subtitles, apparently Malcolm couldn’t read them and he did not understand a single word that had been said in the 1.5 hours that he had watched it.  I suddenly realized why he said that it wasn’t “his” movie.  I changed the options and when the characters started speaking in English, Malcolm excitedly asked to watch the whole thing again.  I had recently done the same thing for Amy for a few episodes of “The Wire” so I let him begin anew.

We finished the trip with him happily watching the Japanese subtitles which, for some reason, began to appear on the screen.  I happily learned about the intrigue of a billionaire screwing his entire family out of their inheritance and giving his whole estate to a unknown missionary in the rain forest.  Things got a little dicey when I started to get a little tired and began chewing sunflower seeds to stay awake.  I didn’t have anything to spit them in, so I took off my hat and began spitting the seeds straight into it. Every now and again, Malcolm would ask if we were there yet, but he didn’t listen to my answer and his heart really wasn’t into it.  We arrived in Bakersfield in pretty good shape, and since we were both involved in story telling of some sort, the trip went pretty quickly.  In case you were wondering, I was even able to remember to dump out my hat before putting back on my head!

We took Malcolm to see the movie, Ponyo, last night.  We had a bit of a long weekend, with a few late nights and some short naps. Instead of working extra hard at parenting, we took him to the theater.   He has only been to a handful of movies, and the experience of going to a theater is pretty exciting for him.  I am pretty sure that if he got to sit in his mommy’s lap and eat popcorn, he would watch Sophie’s Choice in the theater.

I don’t really know what to say about Ponyo.  It is extremely bizarre.  I think I really liked it, but when it ended, I had a feeling similar to watching six smiling old men in leotards throwing cotton candy at each other.  What did I just see?  It is fantasy, in all its splendid glory, and while you never really know where the movie is going, it is a treat to watch. 

Let’s start with the visuals.  It is a visually stunning movie.  The movie is definitely a step away from modern cartooning, seeming to revel in how good a greeting card illustrator can make the world look.  The colors are brilliant, reminding the viewers all along the way that the movie has been well thought out and masterfully designed. The movie looks and feels like a child’s mind, a perfect way to tell the story.  (By the way, the story is about a 5 year old kid who falls in love with a fish and how they love ham.  Talk about a feel good movie!)

Tina Fey plays a mom, Liam Neeson plays a weird dad who looks like a cross between Howard Stern and Willie Wonka, Cate Blanchett plays a hot wet blanket, and Matt Damon is in the movie, but totally unnoticeable.  You can hear Betty White in the movie and you want her to be your grandma. 

I like this movie because it creates a challenge for kids to watch, without stupid violence.  There are a few cheap laughs, but, for the most part, it is a long story about love and courage.  It creates a journey,and the journey involves being true to yourself, loving your family, and eating lots of ham.  Combine that, a large bucket of popcorn, and a kid our your lap, and you have one great movie night.  Go see it!

My son Malcolm has an almost fetishistic love of the movie, “Mary Poppins.” We own the DVD, we listen to the CD in the car, and we even have the sheet music at our house so Amy and her parents can play the songs on our electric piano while at home. POPPINS PIC We even saw the movie at the PARAMOUNT THEATER here in Oakland, and enjoyed it on the big screen as if we had never seen it before. We’ve probably seen the movie 30 times, and no matter how hard I try, every time it is on I get sucked into it and start humming to the music.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the movie. It is sweet, has catchy music, and, unlike every other Disney movie I have seen, it contains no gun violence. Most of all, the movie has characters to take note of. Poppins allows the children to explore their imagination and creativity, the mother is passionate about political causes, and the father, while flawed, is capable of personal growth. Moreover, the entire subtext of the movie is that a truly loving and happy family is one that is enthusiastically involved in each others’ lives. For my money, you can’t beat that kind of stuff.

Even so, I was watching the movie again yesterday as Malcolm was sweating off his fever, and wondered whether the movie, made in 1964, could use a remake. Movies like Batman and James Bond were recently given new treatments and the newer versions were, in my opinion, awesome. With that in mind, I decided to rewrite Mary Poppins to reflect to world in which we live in today, and here is what I came up with.

Two children, Madison and Hunter, find themselves without a nanny. Their previous nanny-share arrangement fell apart when the father was nominated for a cabinet position and it became apparent that family had not paid payroll taxes for the household help. The mother, unable to care for the kids because of her duties as a blogger, marches around the house constantly extolling the virtues of one of her many book clubs. The father posts the position to Craig’s List, but the posting was mysteriously deleted by a kind and technologically savvy nanny who arrives whenever the political winds change.

In steps the hero of the movie, (and anyone who knows what I do for a living knew this was coming) Manny Poppins, the stay at home dad, played by this guy. (This name is remarkably perfect: What do you call a male nanny? Manny!) Manny rides in on his Hybrid Umbrella and blackmails Mr. Banks into giving him the job, (something about some illicit conduct in an airport bathroom). Manny gains instant credibility with the kids with his sweet IPhone, and downloads music easily while watching the children clean up their room.

Manny and the kids set off to the park, and, once there, run into Bert. In this version, though, Bert is short for Roberta, and is played by a lesbian contractor with a nose ring. Bert can’t find work because of the housing slump, and is spending the day at the park updating her facebook profile on her laptop. Bert and Manny take the kids on a magical adventure, changing reality television star’s bios on Wikipedia. In an ironic turn, they change the entry for “Super-cali-frag-ilistic- expi-ali-do-cious” to “Paris-Hilton-has-a-dog-whose-face-is-quite-atrocious.” The rain comes, shorting Bert’s computer, and the children are whisked home, where they are given a spoonful of Splenda with their Tom’s of Maine Bronchial Syrup. Alcohol free!

The next day, Manny takes the children to Uncle Albert’s house, but instead of having a tea party on the ceiling, Manny plays poker with his friends and the kids play Wii. During the poker game, the following conversation takes place:

Manny: I knew a guy named Smith who has a wooden leg.
Albert: That’s not cool, dude. My cousin was in Iraq and now has a prothestic.
Manny: Oh man, that sucks. I didn’t know that.
Albert: Ya, they may have been able to save the leg, but VA is so fucked up that they couldn’t help him in time.
Manny: Well, yes, but Smith was just going to ask…
Albert: It’s shit like that which caused the American’s With Disability Act to be created in the first place, you know?
Manny: Oh.

The group returns home, and Mr. Banks, angered that the kids still didn’t know how to do math, prepares to fire Manny. Manny reminds Mr. Banks of his indiscretions, and convinces Mr. Banks to take the children to work so that Manny can go golfing the next day.

On their way to work, Hunter sees an old woman in front of the Capitol protesting genetically modified corn, and he tries to give her a dollar. Mr. Banks, receiving large sums of money from ConAgra, refuses to allow this and takes the children inside to show them the financial advantages of medical savings accounts. Once inside however, the children become frightened over a fracas on the Senate floor about gay marriage, and run home wondering why the Senators have nothing better to do.

Mr. Banks cannot survive the many scandals he has gotten himself into and is ousted from the Senate. He returns home, makes a giant bowl of genetically modified popcorn, and sits down with the kids to watch American Idol. Manny, seeing the family together again, slowly withdraws, knowing that his work is done. As he does, he hears the family singing together.

Oh, oh, oh, let’s go watch TV.
We love reality.
Let’s go watch TV.
‘Cause books are boring.

Kids go get me beer.
HD is crystal clear.
Idol is on … toooonight!

Now that would be epic.