My friend Tracy and I used to sit around a bowling alley drinking beer and coming up with ingenious ideas. This was particularly intruiging considering that, at the time, Tracy was on her way towards revolutionizing the world of women’s health and I was studying to become the next great champion of worker’s rights. Yet, there we were, throwing back Rolling Rocks and figuring out how to design an adult flotation device that would allow people to stay afloat on Lake Shasta while conveniently and safely storing a margarita. Sadly, many of our best ideas were forgotten the next day, ironically the casualty of the very beer that aided in our sudden bursts of creative thinking. I have stopped drinking to excess (at bowling alleys!) and so am more readily available to catalogue some of the ideas that could change the world, if I would only get off my ass and make them a reality. Today, I will share a few with you:
Contrarian Underpants. Who wouldn’t want a pair of skivvies that would cool you down when you are hot, or warm you up when get chilly? Have you ever heard the expression “I nearly froze my balls off?” or “My lady business is hotter than a half-bred fox in a forest fire?” I have, and contrarian underpants would ensure that you never have to hear them again. How would such amazing undergarments work? Simple, use similar technology to that found in a thermos. A thermos keeps hot liquid hot and cold liquid cold. Just invert to thermos process in your undies, and Bam! A billion dollars, easy. The diaper version would not only give your small one comfort, but also make their various excretions smell like movie theater butter. Maybe a billion is a conservative estimate.
Modeling software to show your kids what they will be like in 20 years. If you are tired of reminding your kids to eat their veggies, say “please” and “thank you” and abstain from random acts of aggression against their peers, then this software could be a gift from heaven. It would be so much easier to show them a picture of what they would look like in 20 years if they don’t change their ways. I’m sure Malcolm would change is behavior if I told him that this was the path he was headed down:

Mind you, the software would obviously be customizable, so if you were worried that your daughter was getting too into body building and sticking forks into electrical sockets, it would spit out this:

Who wouldn’t buy that software?
Lastly, the Iphone needs an application that can sense what you’re feeling like and automatically suggest what it is you should be doing. Consider it a mood ring with kick-ass features. Simply hold the phone, and boom: it will sense that you have cabin fever and suggest an adventure (perhaps a treasure hunt to visit all of the Krispy Kreme’s within 25 miles of you!) Or maybe you are feeling a little fat, and it will suggest a bike route for you to follow to get to a nearby Krispy Kreme. Perhaps you have recently been dumped, and are in need of some comfort. It could sense this and bring up the phone number for a brand new service that delivers Krispy Kremes, straight to your door! Whatever your mood, it has a solution.
It’s really hard for me to have all these great ideas and lack the time to follow through on them. I am sure that someone who has more of an entrepreneurial spirit will read this and then crush my soul as they become a zillionaire capitalizing on my ideas. If there was only some way I could drown my sorrows when this happens…



