People are always asking me, “Paul, what’s the perfect gift to get the man in my life?” so I thought I would share some insights on how to make holiday gift giving a special and rewarding time. (Actually, I get the questions, “Paul, when was the last time you showered?” or “Where is your son?” more often, but considering it’s the holiday season, this post seems more timely.)
1. A bowling ball. Oh, we may not be clamoring for one, but trust me, you will enjoy seeing his eyes light up if you give your man a bowling ball this year. Why? A bowling ball will give guys an excuse to go and drink beer with their friends. That is truly the gift that keeps on giving. The beauty of the bowling ball is that it allows us to claim that we are going out to play a “sport” (when in reality we are just going out drinking beer with our friends.) You will score extra points if you get the bowling ball engraved with a ultra macho nickname like “The Whammer” or “Strike Monkey,” but under no circumstances should the word, “Pinhead” appear on that ball.
2. Tee Shirts. Men are essentially large children and we enjoy nothing more than to look like a kid by wearing a tee shirt. Be careful though, because the wrong tee shirt is as useful to a guy as a sweater vest. Avoid anything with kittens or ponies on them, or better yet, avoid all animals unless the point of the tee shirt is to express an undying love of eating that animal. Right now, tee shirts that say they hate things are all the rage, so anything that expresses a hatred of Crocs, Los Angeles or Bob Costas would work well. Also popular right now, shirts that make fun of handicaps: “Dyslexics Have More Nuf.” Be forewarned, though; if you buy your man a shirt that says,” I’m with stupid” and he wears it out with you, you will look very, very bad.
3. Awesome Perfume. You may have to work with a chemist on this one, but I am going to let you in on a little secret here: men don’t like the smell of flowers. If you want the man in your life to really snuggle up to you, attract him with the scent of something he craves. Like sunflower seeds. Alcohol would also work nicely, and since men are all idiots, he will probably think that licking your neck will make him drunk. You can’t honestly tell me that you wouldn’t want your man licking your neck to get drunk off the scent of margarita, can you? Of course, if you want to do something truly special this year, bask yourself in the smell of bacon. He will never leave your side! Of course, if he has just returned home from bowling while wearing an,”I’m With Stupid” shirt, you may not want him that close.
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