It’s almost like there is a theme to my posts this week, eh?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people who use their kids as excuses to get out of things things they don’t want to do, and liars. I have used Malcolm’s sickness to get out of, birthday parties, weddings and everything in between. The funny thing is that he doesn’t even get sick all that much, although you wouldn’t know it by the number of times we’ve played the sick kid card. We usually use pretty big whoppers, too, when explaining why we missed a party. According to our friends, Malcolm, in his mere four years on this planet, has contracted rickets, tourettes, chicken pox, rooster pox, myocardial infarctions, and, my personal favorite, parrot fever, which you can only obtain by inhaling bird feces. (That last one is a guaranteed conversation stopper, so use it when you feel really guilty about missing something.)
Even so, there are times when Malcolm has actually been sufficiently sick as to warrant not leaving the house. But how to decide whether to miss something because your child is sick, or go anyways and risk the spread of the malady? Luckily for you, I have prepared the following cheat sheet to help you out when your little ones are ill. Enjoy!
Yes, but what do you do when they have Cheerios coming out their nose?
Runny Nose – Use this as a sign that you shouldn’t go to the event that you were dreading, whether it be a birthday party for the kid who humps your leg, or any fundraiser for your friends’ kids. The good thing about being a parent is that you can use the sick kid excuse to get out of things that don’t even involve your kid! It works for ANY art show or event that has the words “cat show” or “ballroom dancing” in the title. Been invited to a dinner party at your vegan friends’ house? “Oh, sorry can’t make it, Malcolm is sick and we just can’t leave him with a sitter.” Pure gold.
Cough – Gets you out of the mid-tier events, things you may not necessarily enjoy, but would go to if there wasn’t a cool sporting event on TV that day. This list includes church and group outings for the families at your child’s school. Sure, your kid would be alright going, but there’s always a chance that they’ll get the other kids sick, and besides, the US Open is only on once a year!
Vomiting – Sadly, vomiting is pretty serious. You may have to miss date night if your kid is throwing up. You should also give up seats to sporting events and concerts. It’s really not fair for a high school kid to have to scrub the couch to remove all remnants of throw up, just so you can grab dinner and a movie, or a U2 show. Worse yet, high school students usually WON’T scrub anything, ensuring that the smell of throw up will infest the couch for years to come. Of course, if the babysitter is a family member, then feel free to go anyways. Blood is thicker than water, and that extra thickness will help you enjoy your time away from your even more whiny and annoying kid, while saving the couch.
Fever – Cancel all your plans for this one. Granted, I am scarred, as Malcolm had a febrile seizure once and I will be forever haunted by the image of his eyes rolled back into the back of his head and him shaking uncontrollably. We play it safe though and will always remain at home with him when his temperature exceeds 102.
All of the above – this is the only reason Malcolm gets to stay home from school. We are paying good money for him to not be at home with me, and missing out on that is travesty for everyone involved (mostly me.) Of course, if I am sick too, then it is easier to justify sitting around the couch all day watching movies. But if I am well, putting up with a sick kid is the last thing I want on a school day. When the school asks why he his face is bright red and is throwing up all over the place, I tell them he was out in the sun a lot the day before and ate a bad doughnut. That usually works. If it doesn’t, at least you’ve bought yourself some time. With that time, you can be researching new and exciting diseases to use as your next excuse.
Tags: throw up
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Does no one else see a connection here? Last week we were learning of the horrendous terror imposed on innocent peanuts, and now we are learning that those who tasted the very results of that travesty are now ill… Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Hey, at least the peanuts stayed out of the nose!
LOL. This is the best. I hesitate to share this on my blog, as I don’t want our secret to get out.
Adding the second kid to the mix added much more “The kids are sick” options for getting out of ANYTHING.
Great post.
Keep adding kids! One day, you’ll never have to go anywhere!!!
I must remember these. But you never said what we get to miss if there is a Cheerio coming out of their nose. This happens at my house at least once a week and I don’t think I’m getting the full benefit of the Cheeri-nose problem. So please let me know so I may maximize the potential of my children’s sicknesses.
Think anyone will begrudge you for missing their event because of a foreign object in their nose? Nope, use that one liberally.