Rotten Little Monsters: An Ode To Malcolm’s Tee Ball Team

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Daddy Stories

This is by far the most bad-ass picture of Malcolm we have. Gamer!

Malcolm’s tee ball season just ended. I thought this would come with some level of sadness, because the kid really gets after it in the field. Watching him strut around in a jersey, making plays and tattooing the ball all over the park has been nothing short of miraculous. While I appreciate all the joy Malkie has brought us this season, I am ecstatic that tee ball is finished.

If you are wondering why, I say to you, “READ THE TITLE PEOPLE!!!!” Coaching young kids is painful, and not the easy kind of pain you feel when someone lacerates your liver in a bar brawl. I had some fears early on about being responsible for a group a small kids, but I had no idea how miserable they could be. Remember the post I did on using quadrants to help figure out how things will turn out given certain variables? Here is the one for my tee ball season:

Actually, a more realistic version would be this:

To be sure, not all the kids were evil. Some were far better than others at “not hurting their teammates while you weren’t looking” or “listening to anything you have to say,” but for young children in a pack the size of a tee ball team, the dynamic always degenerates into chaos. Whenever you see someone who works in early childhood education, give them a hug. They need it. Now the season is over, and every time I realize I don’t have to spend another Tuesday cajoling the kids into obedience, I smile. (Actually, the games were pretty fun. Practice, not so much.)

The question that necessarily arises at the end of the season is, “Will I do this next year?” It would be easy to cut and run to ensure that I am never, ever around large groups of kids again. If I did that, though, the terrorists would win. (Not Al-Qaeda, I mean the children on the tee ball team.) I don’t want these kids to think that they can beat me by simply playing grab ass and drawing pictures in the dirt.

As nice as it may seem to sit on the sidelines and watch someone other sucker go through all the pains of coaching, I would feel like I was missing out on something. All of the coaches took a certain level of satisfaction in seeing the kids make progress in their abilities during the year. Like a warden marveling at the rehabilitation of a serial arsonist, I really enjoyed helping the kids to learn to throw, catch and hit. So, next year I will do it again, and might even consider becoming a head coach. I guess scorpions just aren’t that bad.

Tags: ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *