We cleaned the house Sunday. Well, we didn’t really clean, we just put all of the Christmas stuff away. Now, all that remains of the holiday season is some new toys for us all to play with and the glitter that fell off the fake holly. That, and the handful of Christmas cards that we have still have to send out.
I realized that things were a little crazy over the holidays, and that I hadn’t even had time to make New Year’s resolutions. I have a laundry list of things to improve on: I am too fat, too addicted to TV, I have bad posture and I secretly stole all of Amy’s money and hid it in the Bahamas. Those have been true for some time though, and I honestly felt like skipping the whole New Year’s Resolution this year, because every year I say the same shit. After a bit of reflection, though, I took a different approach.
Instead of dealing with behavior I’d like to change, I decided instead to save my soul, and hope the other stuff just takes care of itself. If I am truly happy, then I won’t do anything that makes me unhappy, right? So, I want to become Awesome. That’s no typo, Awesome with a capital A. I want to become so kick ass that the mere thought of me makes you smile. I want people to whisper and look at me as I walk past them down the street. I want there to be a poem, and I also want the last line in that poem to read, “’Cause Paul Schwartz is so fuckin’ Awesome.” You may ask yourself, “self, how can he do this?” I have a four part approach.
Step 1: How Paulie got his groove back
The first prong is to recapture my moral high ground. I used to be a labor lawyer. I fought battles against the bosses. I stuck up for the little guy (and gal) who got screwed by the man (and the woman). I even road around in a fire truck one day screaming at Macys! I used an entire part of my brain to figure out how to make the lives of working people a little bit better and to make the bad guys change their mind. Sadly, that part of my brain has been dormant for a while now. My moral high ground gave me a backbone, so anytime I felt like I was wasting time, spinning my wheels, gambling in Vegas, I could at least say, “so what, I am out there fighting the good fight the rest of the time.”
Now, I can’t really say that. Sure, I‘ll tell anyone who’ll listen that I am a social movement of one, reversing traditional gender roles, but there’s only so many times that the girls at the alley cat club will laugh at that line and sound sincere. Now, I need a new way to save the world. I recently decided to volunteer at a progressive political website, and will use some computer skills to assist in the cause of making the world free of nasty republican ideals. I am also going to try and become a mentor to a kid in Oakland whose parents are either dead or in jail. This is just the start too, I will seek out more stuff and do more stuff when I can. Do you have an idea about how to save the world? Tell me about it and I will try to help. I am hoping all this will help with my posture; it’ll give me a posture and a good place to approach things from again.
Step 2: Grab life by the balls
The second prong is to be more productive at the things I like. All too often, I get caught up in the flow of things that I can’t even remember to do the things in life that make me happy. So I will. I like riding my bike and playing basketball, I like writing blog posts; I will do them more. I like to cook and eat, but I don’t try anything new. I just bought Alice Waters’ book about simple cooking. I’ll cook my way through it and keep trying until the food is actually edible. I like it when Malcolm conquers new tasks, I will help him devour them more often. This may mean that some of the things that I don’t like to do fall by the wayside. So be it. Who needs to be current with their taxes anyways. Life is too short. You gotta get in there and grab what you want from life like getting a gall stone out of a cow’s rectum. Are you with me still?
Step 3: Changing my connectivity settings
I hide from things. I make up reasons not to respond to emails or phone calls. I camp out in the house and invent things to do that don’t involve other people. I use tools like Yelp which are based on user reviews, but I never review anything. (I did submit reviews on Zagats once, but that was only to get a free copy of the book.) There is a neighborhood list serv for our neighbors to stay in touch about things, and I never tell people how crazy and stupid they are. Recently, I counted and realized I had but 13 friends on facebook. Who lives like that?
I need to connect more to others. I recently began a crusade to contact people on Facebook that I hadn’t seen or heard from in years. My friend list is 66 and growing! I am going to tell my neighbors they are crazy and stupid: first up, skewering the guy who complained that someone put there garbage in his can and whined that the shrimp tails should have been put in the compost heap. Shrimp tails?! Get a life! I am going to tell everyone on Yelp that my acupuncturist has lousy treatment rooms, but she has a massage therapist with the strongest hands I have ever encountered. No more sitting and watching life go by. I am gonna get connected and stay involved.
Step 4: Keep my lady happy
My wife is a goddess. She cares about the same things that I do, doesn’t care about the same things I don’t. She saved me from a life of stress and long hours. She talked me out of voting for John McCain. She supports me in the things that I like to do. She supports me by making money and letting me have some of it. She lets me go to the alley cat club. Oh, she is smoking hot too.
How do I repay her? I show her my butt crack in the mornings and then get snooty when she asks not to see it. I make fun of her when she coughs up blood when she is sick. I secretly steal her money and send it to the Bahamas. No more! I am going to worship her. I am gong to shower her with praise. I am gonna avoid picking fights with her, even when she tells me that my cooking is terrible. I owe so much to her, and I don’t think I let her know. So this year, I will. I’ll do this and more. I’ll ask her out on dates. I’ll send her emails. I’ll make sure my pajamas are always at my waist, and if they aren’t, I will make sure hers aren’t either. I won’t treat her better, I’ll try and treat her the best.
I figure if I can do all this stuff, it won’t matter that I watch Arrested Development while eating nachos.
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Great resolutions…and I agree Amy rocks. However, I take issue with nachos. Everyone knows you have to have martinis while watching Arrested Development. Preferably with a frozen banana.
I have a feeling you make Amy laugh after insanely stressful days at work. I can imagine her eyes lighting up right at this moment. You guys are a super cool 21st century couple, with a really nice Christmas photo by the way. Carry on and enjoy the exciting, exhausting wonderous years.
You are Awesome because you make my mom laugh… ok, me too. I'd believe you were more serious about your Awesome resolution if you cut the work 'try' out.
You need a bigger fork