Refrigerator Horror Stories

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Uncategorized

Every so often, I will open our refrigerator and the smell from the decaying food inside will slap me in the face like an old French prostitute. Stunned, I sit there in front of the open fridge, wasting energy and contemplating my next move. In this situation, I can choose either of two options: a) I can suck it up and clean out the items that have been waiting patiently for the past few months to meet their maker or B) simply close the door and pretend the whole thing never happened. I usually just close the door, and, while it is not at all nice to be confronted with a slapping French prostitute every time you need to grab something out of the fridge, it sure beats dealing with rotting food up close and personal. Yesterday, I took the bull by the horns and actually cleaned out our fridge, and although I cannot adequately describe just how bad everything smelled, I can at least detail what I removed from our fridge.

It's bad if your kid says something is stinky

The first group of items were contained in the fridge for quite some time, but had no chance of ever being used. Think feta cheese (the basest of all cheeses in my opinion.) Think jar of egg whites from Christmas. Think buttermilk. Sure, in theory these items had a chance to make it into a dish, but I was fooling myself to put them in the fridge in the first place. I have as much chance of eating an egg white omelette with feta as I do eating a unicorn. I know I shouldn’t be such an optimist when putting things in the fridge, but that optimism is why you like me, isn’t it?

A second group of items involved leftovers that probably should have been eaten, but just weren’t sexy enough to make it back into the rotation. Gnocchi sounds pretty good, but leftover gnocchi somehow reminds me of rocky mountain oysters. A tub of extra couscous looks more like a snow globe than dinner. Black beans are good, but they have about as much versatility as an Elvis wig. Most people would just toss everything that isn’t consumed after a week or so, but that would mean we are robbed of the experience of seeing a moldy couscous snow globe or smelling rancid black beans (which, oddly, smell like formaldehyde.) I wouldn’t dream of living in world like that.

The vegetable drawer. I don’t really like vegetables. I am getting a bit older, which is sad, and I recognize the need to eat a somewhat balanced diet. I also recognize that it is important to teach Malcolm some good lessons about food. In consideration of these factors, we signed up for an organic produce box to be delivered each week. With so many unique veggies being delivered every seven days, we often can’t catch up, and what we don’t eat tends to reside at the bottom of the vegetable drawer. After a month or so, the bottom of that sucker looks and smells like a compost heap. After a few more months, the veggie stew liquifies, making it not only unbearable to look at or smell, but also impossible to clean. The bottom of the vegetable drawer has to be the scariest thing in my life, easily more terrifying than Tantrum Malcolm holding a hammer or drunk Amy holding an Elvis wig.

As nasty as these elements were individually, the symphony of sights and smells when combined in the sink was enough to make we want to tear off my nose and throw it in the toilet forever. Luckily, I didn’t and some air freshener and kitchen cleaner restored order both inside and out of the fridge. Of course, this meant that the old French prostitute was going to go away, but I think we both know that she’ll be back one day. C’est la vie.

6 responses to “Refrigerator Horror Stories”

  1. Debra says:

    Once a week have a special meal – ‘Ifits’ if it is in the fridge eat it. May not be the most glamerous of meals but make it fun. Who says you can’t eat egg White and organic veg?

  2. Thomas says:

    Reminds me of this scene, in the best movie ever.

  3. Marjean says:

    I have a great idea throw everything out that isn’t eaten at the meal. OH sorry, I forgot you are a Schwartz!!!! 🙂

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