Real Food

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Soap Box

I am going to start this post by saying that I am not a doctor. Like most politicians, I don’t really understand how “science” works, and the only real area of expertise I have is mid-80’s baseball stats. Following my advice will probably make you sick or worse yet, have bad skin. But, if you like living adventurously, listen to this, ’cause I got something to say.

Eat anything you want, as long as you make it yourself. That’s right, real food. I have been eating for several years now, and can gladly recommend a diet that is high in butter, cream, bacon, oil, cheese, salami and chicken wings. Those don’t sound good to you? STOP READING MY BLOG! If that list doesn’t make you salivate, I have nothing to offer you. The truth is, the so-called “bad for you” foods are actually really good for you, as long you balance things out and don’t ruin everything by putting a bunch of processed crap in your meals. Real, whole, naturally occurring foods bring a wealth of nutrients to your body, and also have the added bonus of correctly telling your body when it has had enough (most of the time right after you’ve downed the second bowl of hot buttered popcorn.) Stick with the real stuff and you will have a healthy, happy eating life.

You may think you are doing yourself a favor by ingesting low-fat cookies, diet soda and fat free chips, but you are actually doing yourself a disservice. All that processed crap may be appealing at the store when you are looking at the nutritional information, but your body doesn’t care about that information. The only thing it cares about is the ingredients, and when it receives a heavy dose of artificially created ingredients, it freaks out. That’s right, it freaks out and shuts down. It gets heart disease, diabetes, and sometimes even syphilis. (I told Amy that I got Syphilis from a taco truck in Mexico, and I’m would appreciate it tremendously if you could all do me a solid and back me up on that one. OK?)

Why does it do this? I have no idea. Remember, I know nothing about science so I am clueless as you are, but I am going to make a stab in the dark. When food becomes processed, it stops working correctly. If it helps, just think about like this: if you severed someone’s arm at the elbow and then put it through a meat grinder and cooked it up and served it up to them, they wouldn’t be able to use the arm-burger to throw a baseball. Much in the same way, processed fats don’t aid in the digestion of vitamins and minerals, carbohydrates don’t store the right kind of energy, and proteins get wasted and act like a bunch of douche bags. Trust me, you don’t want that.

So what to do? Nothing.

Do NOT let this man make any decisions for you...

Never ever make large changes in your life because of what some idiot says on his blog. (That goes doubly when the idiot has no job, a suspect intellect, and spends large portions of the day alone.) Just go about your daily business, but try to eat unprocessed food. (And don’t be afraid to use a little butter!)

I on the other hand, am making some big changes. That’s right, big. It starts on Monday, and trust me, you won’t want to miss it.


6 responses to “Real Food”

  1. brad says:

    channeling Jamie Oliver today?

  2. Louise says:

    Dear Daddy,
    Strikes me that you repeat the words ‘Trust me,…’ an awful lot in your posts. Hmm, seems like a really good reason not to!… as in ‘Trust me, I’m a doctor’!…which of course is born out by the fact that you say you’re not! 🙂

  3. Scott says:

    TRUST ME when I say that I really appreciate all the good food you prepare at your stove, but what is that if not “processing”?

  4. Amy says:

    What are you doing starting Monday?? And how exactly is it going to affect me?

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