Q & A, Week 3

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A

So, the pickens are getting a bit slim around here. That means you all need to figure out what about your lives is bothering you and fire me a question. (The link is on the left.) If you don’t, I’ll start answering Malcolm’s questions, and trust me, no one has the time for that.

Amy from Oakland asks: At what age do children wipe their own butts?

I really care about this question. Why, you ask? Every time Malcolm poops, he screams as loud as he can, “DADDY WILL YOU COME WIPE MY BUTT?” Then it is my duty to stop whatever I am doing and then go clean up his dirty bits. I am not fond of either performing this act, or his ordering me to do it. I would love for him to start cleaning himself and give me a small amount of dignity back.

He can't wipe his butt, but he sure can milk a plastic cow!

Having done some internet research and found that there are seven-year-olds who aren’t wiping themselves, but three-year-olds that are, I have determined that it is not the age of the child that is important, it is the desire of the parents. (By the way, never do a google search on “old butt wiping,” and never, ever click on four or five of the links. You’d be shocked at what’s on the internet!) Armed with this knowledge, I am going to teach Malcolm how to wipe himself and then be done with it. I am squarely behind any parenting technique that involves me having less to do.

Anonymous asks: Why do I take out my ear buds when I want to ogle women at the gym?

Good question, Brad. Although I haven’t seen the inside of a gym for a few years, I am a relative scholar when it comes to the subject of ogling women. Men are simple creatures, and when a beautiful female is present, straight men are capable of performing only one task. Thus, if a man is ogling, he cannot do simple things like listen to music, read or even finish a sentence. Hence, your ear bud removal. If you plan on ogling regularly, please review my rules for engagement in this post.

Scott in Reno asks: Can we attach a picture to a comment?

No, this is mainly because my throngs of adoring fans would constantly be sending in pictures of their children wiping their own butts. For some reason, my fans like to stick it to me. I have heard, though, that a picture is worth a thousand words, so instead of inserting a picture into the comment, draft a thousand word essay on the pictures and post it as a comment. It will get the job done.

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3 responses to “Q & A, Week 3”

  1. Nanci says:

    Just wait until Malcolm starts wiping his own butt…..you will be sorry for the first year of stinky, itchy butt syndrom (Malcolms, not yours)!!! Oh yes, the underware is lovely to wash.

  2. Drew says:

    I also can’t listen to music when I am lost while driving. It takes considerable energy to not know where the hell I am at any particular time.

    The wife and I were just looking at youtube vids showing glimpses of our future regarding having a kid who can just make a beeline for the booby on his own, it horrifies me to realize he will eventually be able to verbalize his dirty ass. Thanks for the mental image, I have to go wash that out of my brain now.

    I approve of this post.

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