Q & A, Part I

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A

Thanks to all for submitting questions! Here are the first few…

Debra in the UK asks “How old is too old for an imaginary friend?”

I am not quite sure about this one, as I had imaginary girlfriends in my life up until my early twenties. Imagine my surprise, then, when I went out on a “real” date and found out that real women don’t enjoy bacon and swearing as much as I thought they might. Needless to say, there was an adjustment period. Imaginary friends can be good for entertaining young ones on long car rides and extended periods of time being locked in the basement. It’s always a trade-off. Imaginary friends are fun, but they come at the expense of making real live connections with other kids. Having said that, most other kids suck. Let your kid have fun with their imaginations and save yourself the hassle of him/her picking up other kids’ bad habits..

Russ in SoCal asks, “We need to sleep train our 6 month old but have no idea which method to use.  Should we let our kid cry it out, or let him have his pacifier, or what? We need to do something!”

There’s a reason bourbon was invented and this is it. Six months is a little young to be doing shots, so I would make him a cocktail (unless he is still breastfeeding, then you can just have your wife down a bucket of bourbon and let nature do the work for you!) I suggest a “kiss on the lips,” a mixture of bourbon and apricot nectar. A drunk baby will soon be a sleeping baby, I guarantee it. Actually, most of your job as parents will be to piss your kid off, so might as well start now. Let him cry it out.

Brad from east of the tunnel asks, “Who wins in a fight; a heffalump or a snark?”

I didn’t know how to handicap this one, so I did a little research. Heffalump is a elephant found in Winnie the Pooh tales. He steals honey and consorts with woozles (woozles, for your information, wear mullets and acid-washed jeans and smoke crack.) On the other hand, snarks are fictional creatures made up by Lewis Carroll. Lewis Carroll seemed like he did a lot of drugs, so my thinking is that the snark will grow disinterested, allowing  the Heffalump to squash its brain. Heffalump in the 6th.

Thanks for the questions, I didn’t even get to them all this week. I’ll get to the rest and more next week!

3 responses to “Q & A, Part I”

  1. Amy says:

    That’s nice and everything, Paul, but I’m wondering what to do when someone name Brad stalks your husband?

    • brad says:

      Good question Amy in Oakland,

      I wasn’t sure how to answer this one so I did a little research and you can rest easy. It turns out you have yourself a Three’s Company style mis-communication –just without Suzanne Somers, unfortunately.

      Apparently, according to several noted experts on East-of-the-Tunnel linguistics (a growing field of study), that Brads do not stalk, they steak. In some suburban cultures, steak can be used as a verb. Thus, in the wild, Brad’s really just want to have a good piece of meat with your husband. As an example, a Brad will declare “Let’s steak tonight”.
      Though you should be aware; if a Brad starts drooling and states “I want to steak you” it usually indicates it’s Tuesday and Meatless Monday wasn’t particularly satisfying.

      So, I think you should reflect and ask yourself if this isn’t somehow your fault for marrying a carnivore who has a reputation…… for grilling pork.

  2. Mmmm pork. I wish pork would stalk me, I’ve certainly been stalking it for long enough…

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