I am mortally afraid of creepy guys in vans. Sure there are probably some van owners that are not pedophiles, but until I actually meet one I am just going to make the blanket generalization that vans are places where dreams go to die. You never hear of a kidnapping story that begins, “Harland lured the child into his Hyundai Sonata with the promise of candy bars.” Nope, the crime report invariably details a van, usually with tin foil covering the windows and ice cream truck music playing on the radio.
I am pretty sure I could resist a predator trying to lure me into the back of his mobile dungeon with promises of nachos and snowcones, but I am a father and I worry about Malcolm. Incidentally, I go round and round over whether a pedophile would be into Malcolm, as he is probably way too chatty to be a good hostage. I have this scene in my head where the predator is trying to make his move, but Malcolm won’t shut up long enough for the bad guy to get anywhere: “Don’t you know, Edgar Renteria hit a grand slam? 99 minus 99 is zero. I love my mommies little nose. Pablo Sandoval has a big belly. I went to Oopa and Nanas house and Seal was there with her baby. I like Seal. I like Pig and Dog, too. Grammy and Grampa live in Reno. I played basketball with my daddy and Oklahoma beat Texas 63 to 59.” And so on, and so on, and so on, resulting in the predator promptly dropping Malcolm back off at the house. Pedophilia is such a tricky issue precisely because it forces you to choose whether you want your kid to be cute and charming or kidnapped and assaulted.
So, with all this mulling about inside my head, I decided to take action. I told him in no uncertain terms that he should never get into a stranger’s van. (Hyundai Sonatas were totally cool, though.) I told him that people would try to get him to come into their van, and might even try to give him treats. When he perked up at the idea of getting some treats, I told him that no treat was worth getting into the van and that he might never get to come home if he did. This seemed to bum him out a little, and I think I got my point across.
To test the effectiveness of my little speech, I began role playing, talking to him in the calm whisper-like voice of Bob Ross, the white, afroed artist on PBS who must have been invited to every NAMBLA convention ever held. Malcolm passed the early tests, refusing to get in my van even though I offered him lollipops, ice cream and SF Giants merchandise. Those he was ready for. He seemed a little unsure, though, when I offered him a chance to play with Yoda and told him that his parents would never let him see the real Yoda. Luckily, he eventually decided against it, making me quite glad that we had the little chat. I am sure that we are going to have more of these little chats, and to prepare Malcolm, I will have to think of new scenarios that bad guys will use to lure Malcolm into the van. Any suggestions?
Tags: parenting
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Ugh, my blood pressure goes up just thinking about stranger danger
. Someone I know once had a friend of a friend come to her door and ring the doorbell just to see if her son would let a stranger in the house. Scary thing: He was all, “come on in.”
We haven’t taught Malcolm how to operate a lock. Perhaps we never will.
Unfortunately, he’s not afraid of creepy van guys… he’s now afraid of YOU.
Does he like to give directions? Creepy van guys like to ask for directions. um….. so I hear.
They also like to give little boys rides to the hospital because their mommy was just in an accident and sent this guy and his windowless van to give a ride to to see her. Creepy van guys are helpful like that.
I’m starting a check list of people Ryan is not allowed to associate with:
–Anyone older than 12 wearing a boy scout uniform.
–clergy
and when you add in the girls:
–one entire side of my family
–residents of Raider Nation
I think you just listed everyone in the United States, Brad. Good job, your kids will live on a little tiny island.
a) not EVERYONE is in the Raider Nation, a few of us like the ’9ers
b) my scary side of the family is small in numbers
c) avoiding clergy on a regular basis isn’t difficult for those of us who don’t have a minister for a parent
d) you need to stop attending NAMBLA meetings if you think it’s at all common for people over the age of 12 to wear scouting uniforms.
Just heard a really good creepy guy come on. Make sure Malcolm is prepared for this guy:
“Hey, cool golf bag – I think I saw a similar one carried by Monty’s caddy at the Masters – do you have another view so I can be sure?”
Hey i wanted to say this is real scarry stuff cause my friends son said that she saw someone trying to help a little boy later befor anything happend (thankfully) it was a program that we set up for safty and it was a lesson but its gone now