Big Daddy Paul

The beginning of the school year is a time honored traditional whereby the parents of school kids pretend to be really sad when their kids march off to school, leaving the house quiet(er) and the parents sane(r). Undoubtedly, mornings can get a bit hectic preparing lunches, washing accumulated grit off of faces, and cramming breakfast down tiny little pie holes. Even so, the euphoria that follows walking out the gate at your child’s school with the realization that you won’t have to pick them up for 3-6 hours is quite similar to the feeling one has after snorting cocaine off of a strippers’ chest. Yeyo! (If that metaphor doesn’t work for you, you are welcome to imagine the euphoria created by snorting cocaine off of the chest of playful little puppies.)

No, we're not having any fun this summer....

It seems that every kid I know has started school. While the stay at home parents of all these kids are kicking it by the pool, eating bon-bons and toasting martinis to their good lot in life, I am home with Malcolm. I am not jealous of them, I assure you. (It’s more like, “I would sell one of my kidneys to be like you!”) While they are out partying like rock stars, I am battling with Malcolm at the grocery store over whether he should be allowed to touch the stuff in other people’s carts. Sigh.

Before you go accusing me of being one of those stay at home parents who whines about being home with the kid, consider this: … Shit! I have no defense. I am now one of those parents who whines about about being home with the kids! I guess an attitude adjustment is in order, meaning I should start extolling the virtues of conversations like this:

Me: OK, Malcolm, it’s time to put your clothes on.

Him: No!

Me: You said you wanted to go play baseball at 11 o’clock, it’s now 11 o’clock. If you want to go play baseball, you need to put on some clothes.

Him: No!

Me: OK, whatever.

Him: Actually, I’m ready to put clothes on.

Me: Do you want to pick them out, or do you want me to do it for you?

Him: You pick them out.

Me: OK, put these clothes on.

Him: No! I don’t want to wear these clothes.

Me: Malcolm, I am going to drink the acid out of these batteries. That is going to make me take a long nap. I don’t want you to call anyone or do anything. Just wait for mommy to get home tonight, OK?

Him: OK.

I got two weeks until he goes back full time. I’d say wish me luck, but I don’t luck. I need cocaine and some puppies.

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