Please, Please, Please Don’t Make Me Coach Baseball

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Paul is a Dork

I love baseball. I grew up memorizing the backs of baseball cards, recreating batting stances and endlessly spat and grabbed my crotch (all in the name of acting like a pro!) I learned the difference between a curve ball and a slider. I made a list of players with silly names just so I could make sure the world cared about players like Biff Pocoroba. I hung on to useless facts, like which pitcher threw a “booger” ball and the kind of cocaine that Darryl Strawberry preferred (ah, crack, you wonder drug!) Baseball was a huge part of my childhood and I still devote a large portion of my all-too-limited brain resources to thinking about the sport.

You would think, then, that when Malcolm’s Little League sent out an email asking for additional parents to step up and coach their kids’ teams, I would reply with a hearty, “Hell Ya!” Sadly, this is not the case. In the words of the immortal Meatloaf, “I would do a-ny-thing for [baseball], but I won’t do that.”

If I were coaching instead of taking pictures, I would have had to tell the other kid that spending that much time on third base shouldn't happen until high school.

I have many reasons for declining the invitation to supervise 15 children. Actually, there is just one: I don’t want to supervise 15 children. If I wanted to look after 15 children, I would move to Arkansas and stop contracepting. Baseball with just Malcolm is an enjoyable experience for me, but throw in 14 other kids wandering off or mindlessly rolling around on the ground, spitting and grabbing their tiny little crotches, and you have taken baseball out of the “pleasurable” category and put it firmly in “shitty.” Baseball is a game, not work. I’ll leave the coaching to someone who isn’t mortified by the thought of a pack of children running wild over them.

So, I will gladly defer to whoever it is that is going to be Malcolm’s coach, even if they don’t know who Razor Shines is. The view from the stands is quite nice, and even nicer because it’s out of spitting distance.


6 responses to “Please, Please, Please Don’t Make Me Coach Baseball”

  1. Dennis P says:

    I disagree. My daughter is old enough to start playing softball this year, and I wholeheartedly want to coach. I don’t some numbnutts who doesn’t know anything about the game teaching her the wrong way to play.
    Oh, how cool was it when Razor Shines and Tim Raines both played for the Expos? I too was(am) a baseball geek. I had all the cards, knew the mannerisms just like you.
    Also, are you a 49ers fan, and if so what do you think of the Harbaugh hire? I was hoping he’d come home to Michigan, but I think we got a good coach as it is.

    • I root for the raiders, although I am on strike until the old man dies.

      I am glad that there are people out there like you that want to coach. Of course, you are all stark raving mad, but I’m glad you’re there nonetheless.

  2. Mark says:

    Baseball coaching is a long and slippery slope so be careful. It’s not only supervising kids it’s also candy sales, picture night, and crazed parents who show up with mini michelin men on cold nights. (I realize that might not be a problem in your part of the world unless you coached travel ball and scheduled a game on Logan Pass in August!)

    By the way my classic baseball name from the 70’s is San Fran native and ex-Expo John Boccabella. One other tid bit… I once saw the outfield trio of Andre Dawson, Warren Cromartie, and Ellis Valentine play in the same outfield for the Lethbridge Expos vs the Great Falls Giants who had Jack Clark playing first base.

  3. Found you on Twitter. I love your writing style. Smart-ass-i-tude is alive and well. Everyone has an opinion and they are all right in this case. Volunteering to be a coach is great if you want to do it. I tried sitting in the stands for basketball this year and I hate it. Oh well, to each their own.

    Twitter: @claylauren2001

  4. […] agreed to become an assistant coach for Malcolm’s tee ball team. You may remember that I said I didn’t want to, but I ended up doing it anyways, mostly because it fulfilled the majority of my volunteer hours […]

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