Paul’s Tips For Disneyland

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Uncategorized

IMG_2565We took Malcolm to Disneyland over the weekend, and had a great time.  Since I am an expert in almost everything that I do, I thought I’d share some insights in case you ever find yourself in the Magic Kingdom.

Don’t stand in line. Standing in line is for losers. Standing in line is where your kids start asking you to buy them shit.  (It is not often that a top of the Matterhorn, your child will lean over and ask, “Can we go to the Lego store?”)  Standing in line is where kids with bad teeth will offer your kid a handful of cotton candy.  Tantrums happen in line.  Arguments happen in line.  Even worse, when you are in line, you have to [gasp!] talk to each other. The horror!  To avoid lines I recommend the following:  1- Go when no one else is at the park.  We go in December, not in June. We got there when the park opened.  Sure, December mornings are cold, partially rainy, and less fun, but remember, if you go in June during the day, they’ll be tons of people and you will end up having to talk to your family. Not fun.  2- Use fast passes.  A fast pass entitles you to essentially walk to the front of the line.  Talk about feeling like you are in first class and the rest of the world is in coach! Never before have I enjoyed watching the thronging masses staring at me like I am royalty. We usually signed up for a big ticket ride fast pass, and then went on a lesser ride while we waited for our special fast pass time. 3- Be contrarian. Just because everyone else is doing something, doesn’t mean you have to. If everyone else is sleeping in, eating lunch, or watching the parade, they won’t be in line in front of you.  Sure, you’ll miss out on some fun stuff, but missing out on fun stuff is what family time is all about.

Don’t eat crap. Disneyland is one of the funnest thing a kid will get to do.  Why, then, do you need to give them crap to eat?  If a kid cannot have a great time by simply riding the rides, watching 3-D movies, and interacting with the characters, then there is officially something wrong with them. Save the cotton candy for more mundane activities, like going to the library or “bring your child to work day.”  We packed a backpack full of snacks, and every time we waited in line, we opened up the bag and ate some.  Mind you, they were pretty awesome snacks: celery and peanut butter, salami and cheese sticks, cashews, carrots and ranch dressing, mangos.  This approach to eating also had two other byproducts: 1- you don’t need to talk to your family when they are stuffing celery and peanut butter down their pie holes, and 2- everyone will stare at you longingly when you are eating salami in line.  The smell of salami is unbeatable, and I love it when people envy me!

Enjoy some grown up rides. Being at places like Disneyland should be fun for everyone, so feel free to go on rides that your kids can’t.  Malcolm is a bit of a candy ass when it comes to thrill rides, so there was a whole universe of rides that he either wasn’t ready for.  We wanted to enjoy some of the racier stuff, but with one of us needing to stay with Malcolm, we didn’t want to spend a bunch of time waiting by ourselves. That’s when you ask where the singles line is.  The singles line has all the benefits of the fast pass, but without the advanced planning.  Usually you go through the exit and just walk right up to the front of the line, and they will put you next to someone on the ride that isn’t sitting with someone else.  The only drawback is that the single that you have been paired with will undoubtedly think you are a creep who smells way too much like salami, but that is a small price to pay for instant access to the most thrilling rides in the park.

Have a cocktail! Having drinks at Disneyland is a lot like giving your kid crap to eat.  However, we stumbled on to something and it seemed to work for us.  At around 7 or 8 pm, we were dragging. We had been at the park for around 12 hours and our legs were tired, our bellies grumbling for something other than mangos and cashews, and we needed a break from riding rides.  So, we went to dinner, thinking that we were probably done for the night.  At dinner, they brought us hurricanes, mojitos, and mint julips.  Wouldn’t you know it, the booze gave us a second wind!  Not only that, it gave us the keen parenting skills that allowed us to take Malcolm on Space Mountain (which we knew he would hate, and that he absolutely hated and never wants to ride again) and “Honey I Shrank the Audience” which includes a 30 foot tall snake roaring at you and trying to bite your head off, all in the wonders of 3-D!  Granted, this strategy may work better if you are able to share the drinks with your candy ass kid, but the booze numbs your own senses to the point where good parenting really doesn’t matter any more.  Plus, there’s tons more to talk about!

So, there you go, enjoy my tips and have a great time at the park.

3 responses to “Paul’s Tips For Disneyland”

  1. Amy says:

    I do wonder what people were thinking while we were eating our salami in line!

  2. Gracie says:

    Hey I went to Disneyland on Methodist night with you once… that was the first time I rode a roller coaster… I have some great pictures from that night

  3. Me too Grace! In fact I told Amy about the time we all got stuck on space mountain with the lights on!

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