Our Bedroom Takes A Turn For The Worse

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Amy and Me

Don’t worry, there isn’t anything weird in this post, I just thought I would relate the somewhat comical night that Amy and I had the other night. One night last week, I got home late and found Amy asleep already. Our sheets evidently never made it out of the laundry that day, so Amy was sound asleep atop the comforter with the guest bedroom comforter on top acting as her blanket. Amy took the good spare, so I was left to fend for myself. I ended up using a thin, cheap blanket the quality of which you’d find in a crappy motel. It wasn’t much better than a beach towel, but it was late and I really wanted to go to sleep.

After crawling into bed, Amy said hello to me and then announced that her body was a rope and that she could feel the connections all up and down her body. “Oh,” I said. “That’s nice,” not really knowing how to respond to such an announcement. This was not the first strange conversation Amy and I have had in the middle of the night, as Amy has bountiful history of sleep talking. Once, she screamed at the cat, “What do you think you are, some kinda chicken?” and after poking me in the ribs at 3am once and asking whether I was asleep, she smiled at me and just said, “Ha!”

While soaking up the connections in my wife that would lead her to believe that she was a rope, I noticed the smell of jasmine. IMG_2686Some might be comforted by such a smell, but to me it served as a reminder that I am a lazy homeowner. Over the summer, we left our bedroom windows open all the time. While open, our neighbor’s night blooming jasmine plant started growing towards our bedroom. When we finally tried closing the window, the plant got stuck. The plant is now trapped on the inside of the window, sealed between the window and the screen. It has become part of our bedroom. It wouldn’t be so bad, except that since the plant blooms at night when the weather is warm, it has mistaken our warm bedroom for a nice summer night and floods the room with its jasmine scent. Nice smell for some, but I can’t get it out of my head that we have plants overgrowing our room. I am also somewhat afraid that it is going to try and kill us while we sleep.

I was quickly snapped from killer vine fantasy by Amy starting up another conversation. “Nurse Nancy needs nets,” she exclaimed to my surprise. My mom, Nancy, is a nurse, and I found it odd that Amy would be alliterating about her in the middle of the night. I looked at her quizzically, and she continued. “Nurse Nancy needles noses. Naps. Necks. Nights.” I started giggling and Amy turned over and promptly returned to a peaceful slumber. I didn’t get much sleep that night, and it is not hard to see why. I was freezing, the room was overrun with potentially homicidal weeds, and I couldn’t figure out what the fuck my wife was dreaming about.

So, there you have it. Nothing weird about this post eh?


5 responses to “Our Bedroom Takes A Turn For The Worse”

  1. Michelle Maa says:

    Paul, this made me laugh so hard! Thanks for sharing this. Amy is quite the amazing alliterator!

  2. There actually is a blog that was recently a blog of note that is just the transcription of someone’s sleeptalking spouse. I kinda like the tree in the room.

  3. Juddy says:

    Sounds like you’ve been reading “The Ruins,” (or watched the movie, which, sadly, I liked better than the novel) and Amy’s been reading, uh, steamy romance novels? Novels soaked in absinthe? At least, “Nurse Nancy needs nets,” is better than, “Get off me, perv!” which is what I usually get.

  4. Kevin says:

    I also thought of the blog honeypiehorse mentioned – it’s at http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com

  5. Carrie says:

    Seriously hilarious! I also would fear that the jasmine might try to kill me in my sleep. That seriously needs to be evicted!

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