Now We’ve Killed The Tooth Fairy

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Malcolm Stories

Malcolm lost a tooth last week. The last time we were at the dentist he had an X-ray and it looked like his new teeth were coming in, a fact I conveniently chose to ignore under the guise of “I’m just not ready for this to happen.” Mostly, the onset of adult teeth means the things we do as parents are permanent and not forgotten by the strands of time. You can leave a child in dirty diapers for too long and they won’t chirp about it later in life. You can get lazy about dinner (we once fed Malcolm a dinner consisting of nothing but peanuts!) without having to worry about eating disorders in college. You can simply “forget” to brush your kids’ teeth when they are young, believing that soon those cavity-ridden little choppers will make way to the real deal. Once those big choppers come in though, your decisions have permanence.

I could take it as a sign that Malcolm is ahead of the curve, as he just turned five a few months ago and kids don’t usually start losing their teeth until they are about 14, or so my Google search, “When do kids in West Virginia lose their teeth?” informs me. I figure that at the rate he is developing physically, he will start growing pubic hair at the age of ten, a fact that will in no way scar him for the rest of his life. Way to go, son of mine!

Being the parents we are, we have decided not to introduce the concept of the tooth fairy. We are pretty consistent in this regard, choosing not to introduce Malcolm to the fictional characters of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Compassionate Conservative. Sure it’s fun to fantasize about these invented heroes, but if Malcolm learns that we are feeding him a bunch of hoo-ha, then he will probably be more apt to disregard my other advice (like don’t play checkers on the train tracks.)  If pressed, I might admit that really I am cheap, but I like the story “We don’t want to set him up for the pain and of dreams gone astray” better.

The mouth on that kid...

Of course, kids have a funny way of getting you back. While at the swimming pool the other night, I had Malcolm gloriously show off the gap in his grill. The mother of one of his friends asked, “Where did you put your tooth?” Malcolm answered, “In a plastic bag (in order to take it to school for sharing time,) and added, “Then I put it in my PENIS!!!” In retrospect, just putting it under the pillow would have been a whole lot easier.

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6 responses to “Now We’ve Killed The Tooth Fairy”

  1. Dennis P says:

    A tooth in the penis??? I don’t even want to think about that! Poor little guy, just give him a buck and hope for the best from this point!

  2. A quarter. Nothing more.

  3. Meg Bear says:

    I am on record for thinking your “no santa” policy sucks! I care less about the tooth fairy but I’m mostly against that one too.

    I’m fine with peanuts for dinner though 😉


  4. […] out some schemes to raise additional capital for Malcolm Enterprises. In spite of our early, “There is no tooth fairy” policy, Malcolm somehow convinced us that we should be putting money under his pillow when he loses […]

  5. […] however, does have a higher level of importance to me than, say, my post on eating ox penis or killing the tooth fairy. Today, on big Daddy Paul, I am going to talk about […]

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