Never, Ever Let Me Babysit Your Kid

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Miscellaneous Waste of Time

I have issues. I know this and most of you know this. For some reason, there are still people on this planet who think it is a good idea to let me watch their kid at a wedding. Not a good idea. Jeannie and Anne, thanks for inviting us to your totally fun wedding and post-wedding brunch. Kristi and Conrad (parents of the newborn shown in the following montage,) you need to pay more attention to who looks after your child.

At first I thought it would be funny if I just made it look like their daughter was missing her parents, and then I realized I could do so much more with a little creativity.

I got a few takers, but no one had any cash on them, so I continued. The wine was flowing pretty well at this point, and I hit my stride.

This had the unforeseen consequence of actually waking the baby (sheer genius usually does.) In a moment of desparation, I fell back upon the best parenting tip I ever came across.

Yep, I fed the baby some wine. It’s a little trick I picked up from Britney Spears. Did it work? You be the judge:

Like a charm! That baby couldn’t hold its liquor though, and soon she passed out, unable to express just how hungry she was. Little Bayly needn’t worry though, for I had her back:

Luckily, the parents soon returned and rescued cute little Bayly from the evil clutches of the sweaty fat man. This scenario is doomed to repeat itself until the word gets out that Big Daddy Paul is NOT the name of someone you want looking after your child. Miraculously, Amy still does, even after this picture was taken:


One response to “Never, Ever Let Me Babysit Your Kid”

  1. conrad says:

    The greatest tragedy of all of this: young Malkie is cradling a… Natural Light???!!! Eeeyywww!

    By the way – we now have to have a glass of wine at Bayly’s side in order to get her to nurse. I don’t know what it is, but Kristi tells me that does the trick.

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