My Kid Eats Like A Pig

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Malcolm Stories

Not sure why snorting the Cheerio seemed better than eating it, but what the heck do I know?

When your child first starts to eat food from non-nipple sources, things are a bit messy. At first this is a good thing. Moms are excited that the kid won’t be savaging their boobs anymore, and dads are excited to A) have someone with worse manners around to make them seem less messy, and B) finally get access to their wife’s boobs again. Plus, getting a picture taken with an earful of porridge is a rite of passage that all kids must go through. Malcolm was no different, and he spent a good deal of time as a youngster sullying his face with highly nutritious foods meant for his stomach.

After a while, your tolerance for disgusting eating habits wains a bit. The other day, Malcolm tore into a burrito like a velociraptor ripping apart a puppy. His face smeared with refried beans and with a large piece of chicken (dripping with sour cream) dangling out of his jaws, I thought, “I don’t really care for Malcolm eating in this manner.” It’s one thing for a six-month-old to end up wearing most of its food, but quite another when your five-and-a-half-year-old eats like an extra from Clan Of The Cave Bear.

Malcolm needs to learn some fucking manners. (Don’t worry, I completely understand the irony of that sentence.) I don’t need pinkies to be raised in the air during tea time or for him to be able to tell the difference between a dessert spoon and a salad fork, just to be a little less gross around the dinner table. In the next few weeks, I am going to try and teach him to chew with his mouth closed, eat with a fork and not his fingers, take one bite and swallow before taking another, and to not fart as much at the table. It might also be nice if he could sit in his chair while we ate. I don’t consider these to be too lofty of goals, even for a Schwartz. We are close to the point where people are not going to want to eat around him, so I am hoping to head off anything too disastrous before it becomes too much of an issue. Then again, failure may lead to some acting opportunities, as I hear they are making Clan Of The Cave Bears 2, Clannier and Cavier!

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2 responses to “My Kid Eats Like A Pig”

  1. Russ says:

    Access is good! lol. God. Bless. Re-access.

  2. Annie says:

    I hope so badly that you are still writing this blog when Malcom is 15… please, please… It will be golden if you do!

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