Mayo, The Easy Way

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Cooking and Eating

I am prone to burst out into cooking. I have a culinary form of Turret’s syndrome, except instead of swearing, I start preparing food. Many of the very worst things I have ever made were created in a creative outburst of this type: beet gnocchi that was so bright it resembled a baboon’s ass, [keep your hands off your junk] habanero hot sauce, and apple pancakes so dense you’d have thought I was making antimatter.

Malcolm with the newest member of our family

Even with all this misses, sometimes my experimenting pays off. Last night, while Malcolm was eating his dinner, I made mayonnaise. I think about mayonnaise quite a bit during the course of a day, so the thought was not completely random. Plus, I noticed earlier in the day that we were almost out of what I call the “Great White Goo,” and the thought of our house being void of the super substance was more than I could take. So, I started with Alice Waters’ cookbook and three  minutes later, I had mayonnaise. What have you done with your last three minutes? Do you have a condiment to show for it? If not, I’m about to change your life.

Take an egg yolk, and add a pinch of salt. Add a squirt of lemon and a squirt of water. (Don’t know what a squirt of water is? Put some in your mouth and then squirt it out! ) Start whisking. Slowly pour a cup of oil in the bowl while whisking, and keep whisking until your arm feels like it is going to fall off. Then, switch arms and keep whisking until the mayo is light and fluffy. Add salt to taste. You can use olive oil, but I used canola oil last night. The olive oil we have right now is a little gamey, and I didn’t want the mayo to suffer. When it was done, the mayo was absolutely perfect, and Malcolm used it to wash down his broccoli. That’s right, a vehicle for vegetable intake. Does it get any better?

I am never buying mayonnaise in the store again. This is good, because the mayo I made had exactly five ingredients. I took a quick look at the healthy hippie mayo I got at our healthy hippie grocer and it had 14 ingredients, including something called “soy protein isolate.” I’m not sure what that is, but it’s probably not making me any thinner. Plus, even though it’s organic, my mayo is cheap. It costs around $.50 to make, about 15% as expensive as the hippie stuff. I could elaborate about mayo, how it’s going to revolutionize Malcolm’s education or enhance our marriage, but I won’t. It’s enough to say that making your own is simple, cheap and tasty. And now, back to the kitchen, I gotta feeling I am going to make something kick ass with turnips in it!

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9 responses to “Mayo, The Easy Way”

  1. Laurie says:

    I just spent $8.99 on a jar of olive oil based organic hippee mayo. After reading this, never buying it again. We always have the ingredients you listed and Tanner has strong arms.

  2. Amy says:

    Loved it, Paul … the mayo and the blog!

  3. Nanci says:

    How long does the mayo last? Sounds really good!

  4. Let me know how it goes Laurie! I’m not sure how long it will last, but at the rate we consume the stuff around here, I’m not sure we’ll ever find out.

  5. Kat Wilder says:

    Oh fine; make us feel guilty for not making our own condiments. 😉

    I would like to be all DIY but then I’d be putting a lot of people out of work. Plus, I don’t want to do it all myself. Just like I want people to pay me for what I do, I want to pay the mayo makers. Isn’t that what’s going to keep the economy going?

  6. Kat Wilder says:

    Oh dear — do I have to feel guilty for not making my own condiments? 😉

    I would like to be all DIY but then I’d be putting a lot of people out of work. Plus, I don’t want to do it all myself. Just like I want people to pay me for what I do, I want to pay the mayo makers. Isn’t that what’s going to keep the economy going?

  7. Russ says:

    I’m going for it! Sounds good! Although I’m admittedly scared of dying from eating a raw egg yolk. And I will probably miss that sweet soy protein isolate. Gotta have the isolate.

  8. Hey Kat! I would never suggest that you hoard all that mayo money, spend it on booze or funny hats or a shiny new car (if you eat a lot of mayonnaise.)

    Russ, they have programs for people like you: SPI-ANON. Get yourself into one.

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