I was sick last week. I don’t get sick much, owing mainly to my iron consistency and the constant flow of vodka through my veins. I guess my years of living in filth has strengthened my immune system to the point where new bugs enter my system to howls of enjoyment by all the other viruses/bacteria already there (“Hey guys look, a new 48-hour bug is here, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get in line nerd!”)
When I do get sick, I tend to get wiped out. Such as it was last week, when I got a stomach bug. My whole body ached and I used the bathroom so many times in one day that Malcolm started keeping stats. (“Daddy, you got there in less than four seconds. A new record!!!!”) Seriously, our toilet looked straight out of a scene from Trainspotting, and not the one where Spud interviews for a job.
Malcolm apparently picked up on the little “signs” I gave him that I wasn’t feeling well, like “Malcolm, I don’t feel well. Leave me the fuck alone.” During one of the many movies I let him watch while I moaned continuously on the couch, I fell asleep. For some reason, Malcolm took this to mean he should step up his care giving duties and leapt into action. I woke up with him sitting on my stomach while petting my head. Not feeling all that well, I muttered something unrecognizable and turned over. Luckily, I fell right back asleep, but then awoke again when Malcolm decided that what I needed was some blankets. After all, what better way is there to say, “I love you” than snuggling someone into a nice comfy blanket, eh? Sadly, Malcolm didn’t realize that the most important part of that equation was that the blankets be nice and comfy. When I woke up a second time, Malcolm had covered me up with several sheets of paper and was preparing to place a large book on my head. This time my mutterings were quite recognizable, and pretty direct, much to Malcolm’s surprise.
If this guy asks you to play doctor, say "No!"
We somehow made it through the rest of the day without killing each other, and I made a mental note that I needed to give Malcolm some lessons regarding the appropriate way to care for someone who is sick. Either that, or I need to step up my vodka consumption. I can appreciate Malcolm’s effort but I guarantee that if he ever becomes a nurse, the hospital is gonna get sued.
Tags: kids can be annoying, Sickness
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