Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Eat At Our House

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Cooking and Eating

I had been on a roll. For the last couple of weeks, we had been eating well. Most notably, we have enjoyed: perfectly cooked pork chops with pureed root vegetables, fried chicken sandwiches, tequila-lime rock shrimp tacos, and spicy turkey burgers with avocado and sweet potato fries (accompanied by fresh squeezed lynchburg lemonade). Heck even the kung pao buffalo, and “I cant believe its not sushi” turned out alright. I have spent a lot of time trying to learn how to cook and I thought it was finally paying off.

Until Friday. We had some friends over for dinner and we haven’t seen them in a while. I thought I would whip up some steaks and impress them with some fancy sauces. It was going to be awesome. I wasn’t expecting them to try and sleep with me, but if things turned out as good as I imagined, it wouldn’t have shocked me if they did.

About 5 minutes before dinner was going to be ready, I knew things weren’t going well. The steaks were looking haggard. The mashed celery root and potatoes were a lifeless pile of goo. The asparagus was coming along fine, but any food whose chief attribute is that it alters the smell of your urine just won’t matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. Worst of all, the sauces (which I had on the stove for around 4 hours reducing down) turned out crappy due to some very poor decision-making at the end.

When we all sat down, I knew my goose was cooked. Everything sucked, and sucked pretty badly. At least our friends were gracious enough to inform me that the asparagus was really doing its job each time they went to the bathroom. Things were noticeably worse because we talked about some fancy meals they had recently enjoyed (The Dining Room at the Ritz Carlton and Craft Steakhouse) while we choked down food that Ronald McDonald would send back.

The real whopper was dessert, in which I tried to make lemon bars without using any dairy. The results were cataclysmic, producing a dish reminiscent of a under-ripe lemon eating some asparagus, peeing it into a pan and topping it off with some rotten raspberries.

The grey carcass on the left is an overcooked rib-eye, which someone had the good sense to not eat. In case you’re wondering, the lemon bars turned green because I ran out of regular sugar and the only sugar I could find was dyed for use in making sugar cookies. I almost had to bribe our friends to eat it, and each bite felt like I re-watching and entire episode of “Jon and Kate Plus 8.” Needless to say, our friends didn’t try and sleep with me, but they did take a dump in our living room on the way out.

I guess it’s good to make a few things for guests that fall flat, because I realized how much I still need to learn. Never again will I assume that I can just throw something together for guests and it will turn out right. How about you, anyone out there every serve nasty stuff to friends?


10 responses to “Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Eat At Our House”

  1. Kevin says:

    So this reminds me of a time we had some of my wife’s friends from highschool over for dinner. I probably shouldn’t tell you this because it’s her story but she’ll understand. (I hope)

    She decided to make brisket. Her mom makes awesome brisket and she had made it a few times before and it turned out fairly well. But on this particular night she forgot it was in the stove. The end result with more of a brisket jerky.

    Her friends did their best to choke down a few pieces and then left. I asked my wife if she thought we would ever hear from them again. She said “no” and she was right.

    Oh well if your not a good enough friend to eat and enjoy Brisket jerky then who needs you anyway.

  2. Tam says:

    One occasion came to mind Paul – this was at the early stages of my adventures with cooking. I tried to impress my Hong Kong (HK) friends by making for them one of the more popular HK dish called “Salt and Pepper Squid”.
    Well it turned out that I underestimated the salt shaker and the dish turned out to be … well let’s just say that “salty” was a vast understatement! But in the spirit of true friendship, my friend’s response after the initial taste was … “it’s not too bad”.
    I guessed at least their teeth got a good dose of calcium that night!

  3. Juddy says:

    I still cringe at the steaks I grilled for your crew last Spring. I promise to redeem myself next time around and use only Hanna Bros. beef and, maybe, I won’t drink while I grill. Or won’t drink as much.

  4. Scott says:

    That’s the exact reason I don’t cook – and I’m even more happy I have never watched and never plan to watch John and Kate (is that John Wayne and Kathryn Hepburn by the way?)!

  5. Laurie says:

    I applaud your earnestness in trying to serve a healthy meal to your guests. It’s a hell of a lot easier to throw some fatty steaks on the grill or serve fish drowning in hollandaise. Fat sells, but you made bold move!
    I served prime rib sandwiches to a vegetarian guest who didn’t mince words about how grossed out she was. That was pretty embarrassing.

    • Guests had allergies and I like the challenge of cooking around people’s dietary restrictions. Except, of course, then the food sucks. Then I don’t like it so much…

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