I needed to run to the airport to pick up a rental car today (our car is in the shop for a few days and I need a car to pick up and drop off Malcolm at school.) I could have taken a cab, but with the rental car costing $17 a day, a $35 cab ride to the airport would have killed my margins. So, I decided to take the bus, and I learned a ton of cool tricks.
First, I learned how to pay absolutely no attention to your kids, except to punish them. Stick them in a seat on the bus with nothing to do, then swear at them when they start looking for something to do. Tell them that you are gonna smack that look off their face. Also, it is cool if you smoke while zipping up your kid’s sweatshirt, so much so that you can see the smoke go in their little mouths.
I also learned that you can throw your trash anywhere! While waiting for the bus, I saw the local kids demonstrate the proper technique for dealing with garbage. Finished with that Egg McMuffin? Throw it in the street. Done with your soda? Chuck it in the gutter! Why, you can even empty most of the contents of your backpack right there onto the sidewalk. See that garbage can right next to you? Lean up against it, if you want, but under no circumstances should you throw refuse into it. You can even throw your empty bag of chips onto the floor of the bus. The possibilities are endless.
I also learned that people will not respond if you start acting completely crazy. You should try it, it’s quite liberating. The guy sitting in front of me mumbled to himself in Spanish the entire time he was on the bus, and every once in a while he took a swing at some phantom person in front of him. A woman who looked suspiciously like George Clinton got off the bus and proceed to yell at the woman (who was nursing an infant) who was previously sitting next to her. “You a bitch. I heard you talkin shit about me touching yo baby. I didn’t touch yo baby, yo baby kicked me. I’m goin to the doctor already, I oughtta file a claim against yo sorry ass, bitch.” No one paid any particular attention to Lady George Clinton, but I did. I made sure to keep my distance, because I was afraid that if I got too close to her, a raccoon would jump out of her hair and terrorize my face.
I eventually made my way to the car rental counter, although I admit I got off the bus a stop or two early. I had such a goofy time, I decided that I am taking Amy on a date that consists of nothing but riding around on buses. At a mere $2 a pop, it is the best deal in the entertainment world today.
Tags: paul
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Oooh Amy, you lucky lucky girl! He sure knows how to push the boat out, doesn’t he!
I am indeed a lucky lady – it’s a hoot and a holler over here in Oaktown!