If This Is Jubilation, Why Does My Face Hurt So Much?

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Malcolm Stories

I have done my best to raise a baseball savvy kid. Malcolm knows the difference between a slider and a curve ball. He has learned how to keep score and managed to keep a sloppy by accurate book through five innings at Tuesday’s game. He knows which pitches are the good ones to hit, and will heckle any umpire that messes up a call. His baseball IQ is higher than my regular IQ.

I should have left the beard on all day, more cushion for the blows.

The one thing that I have to work on with him is his celebration. At the game on Tuesday, I held Malcolm in my arms during a particular exciting stretch. When the Giants scored, he unleashed a steady stream of rights and lefts to my face that Mike Tyson would have been proud of.  Last night, during the Giants’ thrilling come-from-behind victory, instead of high-fiving Amy, Tracy and I, he pummeled us, even getting in a very painful left hook to my groin. (FYI, it’s very hard to be happy with a dull ache in your bean bags.) Right now, the kid shows extreme happiness like drunken rugby player.

I realized that you really need to teach your kids how to do just about everything. I’m sure Malcolm’s celebratory gestures are the result of watching football, where smacking your friends on the head and butt are perfectly acceptable. Like his other little idiosyncrasies (eating with his feet, spraying pee all over the bathroom floor) we’ll have to sit down and explain the right and wrong way to do things. I just never thought I would have to do it over something as simple as expressing joy. We better have that little chat soon, because if the Giants make it to the World Series, I may lose a tooth.


5 responses to “If This Is Jubilation, Why Does My Face Hurt So Much?”

  1. Dennis P says:

    Not trying to be a jerk, but how does it feel tonight after a loss? Does he really beat the crap out of you then? You’re really lucky to have been able to score playoff tickets, good for you. Season tickets?

  2. Dennis P says:

    So, are you and Malcolm going crazy about right now? Congrats on your Giants going to the World Series! Have fun celebrating.

  3. Greg T says:

    World Freakin’ 2010 Series, baby!

    Tell Malcey that I need some water cooler stats to impress with, please.

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