I Eat Garbage!

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Paul is a Dork

Today, I bought some baby carrots to include in a buffalo chicken salad I made for my lunch. I have recently started buying fresh, local veggies for us to eat, so, I was a little nervous buying produce at Safeway.  I put my fears to rest and thought, “who could fuck up baby carrots though?” Well, Safeway can.

I opened the package of carrots, and a gooey, slimy substance resembling the eminations of a 18 month old’s nose spilled out. I was disgusted and spent a few moments trying the scrub my hands clean.  Like that same 18 month trying to get off a wad of gum off his hands, I succeeded in only moving the sticky gooey substance from one finger to the other.  ]The fact that this sticky mess had taken over the bag of carrots should have been a pretty clear indication that the carrots had gone bad, but I, being cheap and not liking to throw anything away, did the unthinkable.  I tried some!!!  I washed as much of the gunk as I could off beforehand, mind you, but in then end, eating a carrot that came out of a bag of goo was not one of the smarter uses of my time today.  Obviously, it tasted horribly, like I imagine a dead moth would taste.  No amount of buffalo chicken salad could replace the stale taste in my mouth, and it remains with me, even as I sit here now.

After some contemplation, I realized that I have some issues with ignoring obvious warnings in life.  Sometimes I drink chunky milk in my coffee rather than drink it black.  I constantly chop off the moldy parts of bread and eat the rest.  And, I don’t really care what you say about this one, I always smell my fingers after pumping gas. This last one is noteworthy, because I always make the same contorted face afterwards, while I think to myself, “Yep, that smells terrible. Again.”

Of course, my thoughts turned to Malcolm, and what I would have said to him if he were to do that same thing.  In the end, I don’t think I would have said anything, for it’s probably better to let him find out for himself what happens when you eat rancid food or sniff gasoline.  No sense in ruining it all for him!  I just wish I was a little farther ahead in the game than him in some respects.  Trust me on this though, that kid will grow up knowing that the only thing that you should buy from Safeway is the wine that always seems to be on sale.  Steer clear of the produce aisle!!!


2 responses to “I Eat Garbage!”

  1. Grampa Scott says:

    Safeway baby carrots are a staple in our house – although a majority are eaten by our dachshund, Mitzi. We'll be sure to have some on hand for Malcolm's next visit!

  2. […] I am not a clean and organized person. I live in filth most of time and occasionally eat garbage. Our house is messy up until five minutes before guests arrive, and every piece of mail we have […]

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