I Am Sick And Tired of Drinking Liquor And Talking About Children

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Amy and Me

I am getting quite the knack for being mysterious with my blog titles, aren’t I?

We had a very busy weekend. We went to a surprise 40th birthday party on Friday, a parent-teacher mixer on Saturday, and a relaxing backyard barbecue on Sunday. You’d think that these events would be sufficiently different enough to ensure that things didn’t get stale, but, sadly, that wasn’t the case. We spent most of the weekend consuming alcohol and talking about school. It seems that’s all we ever do nowadays.

One time, (right around this time of year) I got attacked by a 12 pound lobster! It made quite the story.

I am not sure how this happened. I used to be a thrilling conversationalist. In my heyday, I could react to current events, accurately describe what it would happen if two angry camels were trapped in a tent and if you heard me start a story with, “One time, I ate a handful of Slim Jims and then…” you could bank on the next ten minutes being quite enjoyable. Now, the angry camels and Slim Jims are all gone.

In their place lie the details of learning, school and the educational system as a whole. If I am not talking about what Malcolm’s classroom is like, then I am talking about what my classroom was like growing up. What happened to me? I’m not really sure why I find the subject so fascinating, but like the Hooters patron desperately trying to make eye contact with the waitress, I try and avoid the topic. But just at the point where the patron’s eyes wander downwards, I say something like, “Well, actually Malcolm doesn’t go to kindergarten. His classroom is for 3 to 6 year-olds” and boom, I am sucked back into the vortex. If you ask me what I think of the Anthony Weiner debacle, I could give you a few minutes of penis innuendo (Penuendo?) If you ask what my fears are for Malcolm’s next few year years are, I will literally follow you home after boring you at the party, just so I can bore you some more.

I apologize to any of you out there that have subjected to my relentless eduspeak. I need to get over it and recognize that Malcolm would probably turn out the same whether we had him in a Montessori school or a tent with two angry camels in it. In an effort to try and rehabilitate myself, I would like to ask you, my readers, to help me come up with things I can talk to other people about. I will take your suggestions, write them on my hands, and then bust out with them in social situations. The more ludicrous the topic, the better, as I would recapture some of the magic I used to have.  Thanks in advance, I hope I get some doozies.

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5 responses to “I Am Sick And Tired of Drinking Liquor And Talking About Children”

  1. Matzel says:

    Topics:

    Iceboxing (how is this not a sport . . .yet?)
    The origin of the slang term _scrub_ (Really l’d like to know)
    Hockey, hockey, hockey and why is the Bruins goalie so amazing?
    Canadians
    My baby’s super adorable little feet (Oh wait, that’s children again)
    Is it ok to wear maternity jeans after your baby is already born?

  2. dennisp says:

    You could always go the way I go, and that’s baseball. I know you’re still drunk on happiness about the Giants winning last year’s World Series, so you can go on and on about why this year is different and how Pablo Sandoval has changed his diet to get into better baseball shape! Why BigTime TimmyJim has lost a little off his fastball, and Aubrey Huff can’t seem to stay off the outside breaking ball, or how Brian Wilson actually does use black shoe polish on his beard. Either way people are going to think you talk about your subject of choice too much, because all any of us want to talk about(have others talk about)is ourselves. So you just go ahead and blabber on about whatever you want!!!

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