How To Get Your Kids To Eat Ox Penis

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Cooking and Eating

People are always asking me, “Paul, how do I get more sex organs in my kid’s diet?” I tell ’em, wait… What?! Why on Earth would you want to do such a thing?

Actually, as luck would have it, I got Malcolm to do just that. Here’s how it went:

We went to Raging Waters to beat the heat yesterday. Raging Waters is a water theme park, where you can ride water slides, play in the wave pool, and expose yourself to massive amounts of chlorine and toddler urine. At first, I was worried that Malcolm would simply stay in his comfort zone and play in the children’s area, maybe taking in one of the rides where parents can ride in tandem with their kids. He impressed both Amy and I, though, when he attacked some of the more daring rides, even going down in an inner tube by himself. Way to go Malkie!

The real fun started when we left the park. The area we were in seemed to have a heavy Vietnamese influence, so we stopped for dinner at a place called Bun Bo Hue An Nam, which, if I translated it correctly, means, “Never eat in strip malls.” Having come straight from the water park, we were still in our swim suits. At times, this family exudes class. Amy went in to check with the waiter to see if we would be allowed in wearing our chlorine and urine soaked beachwear, and he said, “Umm, it’s OK as long as you are comfortable.” We took this as a resounding, “Yes!”

Two of the spicy soup dishes at the place looked the same, so I asked the waiter how they were different. He said that one of the soups had beef tendon, and the other had ox penis, deliberately lowering his voice when he said the word, “penis” so as not to make Malcolm too giggly at the prospect of eating dinner. What the waiter did not know is that I am a complete nimrod, and started giggling myself.

Ordinarily, I am not much of an adventurous eater. Maybe it was the being in the sun all day. Maybe it was the consumption of so much chlorine (and urine!) For whatever reason, I decided, “When in Rome… (which evidently means, “When in a strip mall in Fremont, order a soup with farm animal genitalia in it.”)

The soup arrived with a bevvy of vegetables and random unknown meats in it. I asked the waiter to explain what each of the items were, and he pointed at things and said, “This is the pork cake. That is the beef tendon. This is the pork blood (large purple squares with a tofu-like consistency.) And over there, is the ox penis,” once again lowering his voice when he got to the naughty bits, and again causing me to grin. I am sorry, but a waiter saying the words “ox penis” in hushed tones in the middle of a restaurant to people still in their bathing suits is funny. It just is.

Having tackled the weighty issue of whether to show you a picture of said private parts, I opted to present, for your viewing pleasure, this picture of Malcolm and his sign at the baseball game instead. You're welcome.

I sampled each of the types of meat and decided I loved the pork cake (think Asian Spam with a way better consistency,) didn’t care for the pork blood, thought the tendons were just OK, although way more tender than I expected and actually liked the wee wee. (Just so you know, this blog has taken me about three times as long to write as it normally does because I keep stopping to laugh at each mention of private parts.) Ox penis tastes like a long blob of glutinous rice. You would definitely NOT know you were ingesting some dumb animal’s Captain Winkie unless someone told you.

As I slurped the spicy soup and grabbed at the bizarre meats with my chopsticks, I thought, “Malcolm went on some new waterslides today, maybe he’ll be a little adventurous at eating too.” I offered him some pork cake and he snapped it up, asking for more. Not wanting to share the pork cake, I gave him some pig’s blood. He asked for more of that too. Finally, I decided to share some of the tube steak with him as well. I cut off a piece, and wouldn’t you know it, he asked for more of that too! Amy sat in horror on her side of the table and wouldn’t go anywhere near us. Of course, I only told Malcolm what he was eating in general, saying, “Oh, this? This is … pork. (Or beef.)”

So there you go, that’s how to get your kids to eat ox penis. Only refer to the subject in quiet tones, and then lie about it when they ask what they are eating. It’s not the most straightforward way to do things, but it gets results, people. I didn’t figure it would work to ask Malcolm if he wanted to try some of the cow’s nee nee. (I especially worried about how this would play out when talking to his friends at the playground, My daddy likes to put a cow’s penis in his mouth!)

At some point, when he is being very, very bad, I will tell him what he ate. He’ll deserve it.

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7 responses to “How To Get Your Kids To Eat Ox Penis”

  1. Debra Lilley says:

    back to your best Paul, I hope you are saving for his therapy in later life

  2. Pablo Sandoval says:

    Hello Paul,
    I’m getting back into your blog now that we’re back from our east coast road trip. Now that you’ve had your first taste of ox penis, perhaps you and Malcolm can embark on an edible animal penis eating tour this summer and provide your readers with info about all the different animal penises (peni?) you eat. Maybe even recommend sides. Even wine pairings perhaps. Just stay away from Panda penis…

  3. Anthony Weiner says:

    Greetings Paul. If you want to talk about penis, please do so in the comfort of your own home. I am the only penis-blogger on the internet.

    Thanks – Tony

  4. […] Today’s topic, however, does have a higher level of importance to me than, say, my post on eating ox penis or killing the tooth fairy. Today, on big Daddy Paul, I am going to talk about […]

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