Amy and I were indulging our latest guilty pleasure this week, Dexter. It is about a forensics expert who is a serial killer. The kill scenes are graphic and the whole show is pretty sick and twisted. During the last episode, after slaughtering someone, Dexter cheerfully made sandwiches for the kids the next morning. I shook my head in disbelief, and asked Amy if she could believe what she saw. She looked at me curiously, and right then, I knew how far I had fallen. ”You can’t put lettuce in a kid’s sandwich! They’ll never eat it!!!” In a show that celebrates violence and applauds the main character’s cunning, I got upset over how children’s sandwiches were prepared. I used to be a person. Now, I am a parent.
My transformation began a few years back when we spent a summer knocking about major European cities.
Whereas everyone around me marked a city by various historical landmarks or noteworthy museums, I kept an eye out for playgrounds and toilets. Some people found restaurants based on the quality of the food, whilst I made selections based on whether I thought they would tolerate an eighteen month old throwing bread at neighboring tables. I based our entirely daily routine on things that I could get to while pushing a stroller. Needless to say, we missed out on a lot. We did see a lot of parks though!
Now, our evening plans are mostly limited to parents of Malcolm’s friends. Our conversations with almost everyone now involve a discussion of whether Malcolm is going to kindergarten next year. The lady at the meat counter always asks me about my son and never cares to ask about my rock hard abs or how many pushups I can do. New Year’s Eve ended at 10:30 and involved the wrong kind of three way kissing (two adults and a four year old boy.)
All these things aren’t bad, and I am not complaining. I just never really understood how drastically different things would be for me after procreating. I guess I thought that a child was a cat, except with diapers. Not so. I eagerly look forward to seeing how Malcolm changes me and wonder what the future will hold. It certainly won’t involve sandwiches with lettuce on them, though. I know how that plays out.
Tags: parenting
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