How I Got To Be An Incompetent Dad

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Uncategorized

I used to be on top of the ball. I had a stroller and a diaper bag, and the two contained everything a parent needs: wipes, snacks, extra underpants (for both of us!), tissues, toys and books. We were prepared for long waits in doctor offices, impromptu trips to the park, and if for some reason we ever got trapped in the car, we had enough supplies to last for a week. We were prepared for almost everything.

Now, I prepare for almost nothing. If we get stuck in the car, I’m going to have to eat Malcolm. I have no bag of treats and no toys. If Malcolm is thirsty when we out in the world, we have to find a drinking fountain. If either of us soils our undies, we either go commando or go home. (If any of you are thinking of making an action movie called, “Go Commando or Go Home,” you better act quickly. I’m gonna trademark that phrase!) He can play with anything he can get his hands on, but he won’t get his hands on any toys or books we have at home. These now stay at home.

I blame potty training for becoming a douchebag dad. When I no longer had to lug around extra diapers, the backpack, and all the bells and whistles that came with it, became expendable. It’s similar to bathing when Amy leaves town for the week. Why bother if it’s not really necessary? Sure Malcolm would enjoy having a snack every now and again, or have something to do at the park that doesn’t involve chasing squirrels with sticks, but at what cost? I wear the badge of a potty-trained son with honor.

Daddy, why are the other parents so much better than you?

The saddest part about all this is the toll I take on those around me. The other parents on play dates give their kids snacks, and then look at me reproachfully when I have nothing to offer Malcolm. While other kids are enjoying chocolate milk or apple juice, Malcolm and I are holding our noses while drinking from fountains in disgusting public restrooms. Other parents lug bags full of Star Wars guns and soccer balls, while I bring nothing but my charming personality and propensity to show off butt crack. They notice. It almost makes me want to be a better parent. Almost.

5 responses to “How I Got To Be An Incompetent Dad”

  1. Amy says:

    You have to toughen him up somehow, right?

    I have to say that I remember some commando moments pre-potty training as well. Maybe you should check your records?? 🙂

  2. Tony Kontzer says:

    Hey, douchebag dad…just wanted to let you know that even though I’ve become persona non grata ex-Sub, I’ve been reading your blog and enjoying it immensely. You have no idea how hard it is for me to admit that to you, of all people. Keep it up, dude…you’re inspiring me–and I’m the writer! Of course, there’s a huge blogging advantage for one who doesn’t have to actually work.

    BTW, your entries are scaring Sarah re: what’s to come.

    -TK

  3. There really isn’t anything about parenting that doesn’t scare the shit out of me, Tony. I’m glad you are enjoying it, even though I am not 100% sure that you know how to read. Perhaps Sarah is reading it to you?

    Ah yes, Amy, there were commando moments before. But only when it was really hot outside.

  4. Emily says:

    I just took a two hour car ride with both of my daughters…no snacks, no drinks, no nothing-my 19 month old screamed at me for like an hour saying “cuppy, cuppy, cuppy”…what can I say, I thought they would NAP!!! At some point in my game I have just lost the ability to drag so much along…luckily I did have a diaper and wipes, that was impressive I thought! Too bad you can’t eat/drink diapers and wipes, they were useless and by the time I got home I had a massive headache.

  5. Hey that’s an idea, Emily! Edible wipes. Think of all the planning you could save, if they are hungry, feed it to ’em, thirsty, wring it out to ’em, and when they go to the bathroom, you still have the wipes. I think we may be on to something here…

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