Holiday Pet Peeves

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Paul is a Dork

Hello all! I am back. You may be asking yourself where I have been. The answer? Tehran. I was part of a small group of diplomats who hid from the Iranian government whilst a larger group of diplomats were taken hostage. Luckily for me and my friends, the Canadian government was on the ball and saved us all. Sounds unbelievable? You betcha. Canadians are a bunch of hosers!

The holidays can be a magical time of year where friends and family come together to overindulge in copious amounts of butter, sugar, meat, alcohol and, for certain members of my softball team, horse tranquilizers. I’m fine with that part. The harder part is having to deal with my own neuroses, which usually involves a high level of agitation over absolutely nothing at all. By way of example, here are my biggest holiday pet peeves. Don’t worry if you are guilty of these made-up sins, it is not you who has the problem. This isn’t so much a request for people to do things differently next year as it is a cry for help for me.

1. The phrase “Merry Merry!” Ugh. Ugh. This is way too chipper for me, reminiscent of the level of energy two ferrets share when trapped in your trousers, desperately clawing to find their way out. The phrase makes me think the speaker has realized, mid-sentence, that the listener may be Jewish, Wiccan, orĀ  unable to comprehend sentences with more than one word in them. Would it be cool for me to walk into a restaurant and ask for “Water, water.. bread, bread… and Mahi Mahi?” No. Use complete sentences. Go ahead and invoke the name of our dear lord, sweet, baby, infant Jesus. That’s fine, even for atheists.

2. People who say, “The holidays are sooooo x.” I don’t care how you finish the sentence, it’s gonna be annoying. (That is, of course, unless you say, “The holidays are … when I find you, Paul, the most sexually attractive.” Then, we’re cool.) The holidays don’t make people miserable. The holidays aren’t too commercial. The holidays didn’t cause your gout, your constipation or the break up of your marriage. You did all those things. Stop whining and just get drunk and fat like the rest of us.

3. Half Santa. I swear, take that fucking Santa hat off your head. What are kids supposed to think? Did you steal Santa’s hat? Are you Santa and just forgot to wear the jolly pants and boots? Oh, you’re an elf are you? Listen, elves are three feet tall and have a stellar work ethic. You? Let’s just say you aren’t. Invariably, the person in the hat is doing something very un-Santa like, and it absolutely crushes the spirit. If you find yourself in need of a tramp stamp at the mall while polishing off a Baconator, please don’t do it while rocking the Santa hat. Please.

4. People who brag about all the positive stuff they do during the holidays. “Oh, we took the fam to a homeless shelter to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.” “We took a half day off of work to wrap presents for conjoined Haitians.” “I hugged a Republican Congressman.” Presumably, you did those things to help people. Bragging about it afterwards doesn’t help anyone. It just makes everyone hate you.

This is a picture of a beignet. After eating, the only way I could walk was to waddle. Seriously. Waddle.

5. Holiday cards without pictures. As much as I enjoy reading a stock greeting card from Office Max, when you just send the card, you are announcing to the world that you think you look like a troll. I’ll let you in on a little secret: You don’t. Granted, your nose is a bit weird and your shoes are a little outdated, but you look fine. Let the world see you. Some try and skirt the issue by including pictures of only their kids, but I find this equally annoying. I’m not friends with your kids. I’m friends with you. Even with those shoes and that nose.

6. Holiday party banter. There will be countless opportunities during the holiday season when you are stuck talking to neighbors, coworkers, distant relatives and anyone else you have spent most of the year trying to avoid. People are guaranteed to light you up. They finish your humorous story by deadpanning, “That’s funny.” When you get one line into your story about travel, they hijack the story into something they’ve done. They tell stories about their cat. Seriously, you’re stuck at a work party talking to someone about their fucking cat. There is no solution for these situations. There are only horse tranquilizers.

7. New Year’s Resolutions. Announcing a New Year’s resolution is tantamount to asking everyone you know to post on Facebook that you are not fat. Should people strive to make themselves better? Yes. But the way to do that is to make yourself a better person, not tell the world that you are a better person. Someone once told me that their New Year’s resolution was to talk about themselves less. Check and mate. I wanted to slap them in the face, but my New Year’s resolution that year was to be kind to idiots.

Looking at this fine list, I just realized that I did every single one of these things in the past few weeks. Does that make me a bad person? No (yes). It just goes to show you to be patient during the holidays, because we are all a little off our game. Personally, I blame the Iranians, but next year will be different.

I am resolved.

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