We adopted a family this year, and this means I have been out shopping for them this week. I say this, not to brag about what a great person I am, but to explain what I was doing in the little girls bra and panties section in Target, in case any of you saw me there. Armed with a wish list, a credit card that was declined not once, but twice due to the flurry of activity and holiday good cheer, I set out to make someone’s Christmas just a wee bit better.
Shopping is challenging for me because I am alone. While it is nice to have fellow holiday shoppers out there with me, they tend to smell of beef log and don’t seem to care all that much about my fantasy football team, both of which make them undesirable to talk to (or even stand next to in line.) 
“Wow, the only sweatshirt they have in XXL, Michael, is black. It’s too bad, because the other [smaller] sweatshirts are way cooler. Maybe if you didn’t eat at McDonald’s so much you wouldn’t be so fat and you could look cooler.”
“Chris Brown, Esmerelda. Really? He beat up his girlfriend! Why not listen to someone a little more wholesome? Paul Simon. There you go, I think he is battery-free! Oh, this is going to a very special Christmas indeed!”
“Darryl, you asked for a XBox 360? I don’t even have one! Next year set your sights on something more realistic. This year, to punish you, I buying you a My Little Pony.”
“Sorry, Daniel, I just can’t buy underpants for another man. I don’t want you thinking of me every time you put them on. Please enjoy this modest gift card.”
“You’re a 5T at one year old? God I hope your mom filled out the form wrong, because if not, you are the be the biggest baby in the whole wide world. Somebody call the Today Show!”
And so it went, me walking around the store shopping for toys for boys and girls, tool sets for dad, and trying to find clothes for the infant version of King Kong Bundy. It was a long day, but enjoyable nonetheless. I even brought Malcolm along for 3 hours of shopping to teach him the true meaning of the holidays. To his credit, he learned to not give people what they want, but rather what you think the should want. He learned to accept people for who they are, but criticize them endlessly when they are not around. Perhaps the most important lesson of all, he learned to avoid people who smell like beef log. And that, my friends, is what the holidays are all about.
Tags: Holidays, paul does silly things
Loading ...
So, what if they ever find your blog?
It’s anonymous. That way, they won’t come after you for the crappy presents you bought.
It’s a fine line between beef log and salami roll, Paul. Just saying …