Funny Roast Chicken

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Cooking and Eating

I love roast chicken. It is simple and, when done right, very tasty. Especially the chicken skin, as proper crispy chicken skin is is up there with nachos and bacon in my world. Roast chicken is also great because when you are done, and the carved bird looks like the leftovers of a zombie attack, you get to make chicken stock. I then get to use the chicken stock to add great flavor to things like risotto and soup. Roast chicken, good to eat now, good to eat later.

Since it’s a slow news week, I thought I would share the recipe. The first thing you want to do is season the bird. I guess I should say at this point that you want to make sure that A) the bird is, in fact, dead, and B) it has no feathers on it. You can try roasting a live chicken, but you need to make sure that your oven locks from the outside if you do. As soon as you get the chicken home, take all the weird shit out of the body cavity and rub some salt pepper on the chicken. I suppose you could use the weird shit to cook something else, but I am not French and do not understand what good it is for. Seasoning the bird ahead of time will make the chicken quite flavorful. When doing this, rub the salt and pepper on with firmness somewhere between caressing your lover and caressing your lover while drunk. Stick the dead bird back in the fridge, and take it back out an hour before you are ready to cook it.

Before you put the chicken in the oven, you have to stuff it. I use herbs (sage, rosemary,thyme, and oregano), a lemon cut into two halves, and a couple huge chunks of onion. Really fill up that chicken’s ass with ingredients, for it turns bland, tasteless chicken into a flavor explosion in your mouth. (While eating, try to forget that the flavor explosion in your mouth is due to the ingredients you just stuck into the chicken’s ass.) Cook the bird, boobies side up, in a roasting pan in a preheated 400 degree oven for 20 minutes. Turn the chicken over and cook for another 20 minutes. Flip the chicken one last time and cook for another 10-20 minutes. You know if the chicken is not quite done if one of your guests falls over dead from salmonella poisoning.

Take the chicken out of the oven and let it rest for 10 minutes. While your now twice dead chicken is “resting,” skim most the fat out of the roasting and stir in a tablespoon of flour. Slowly stir in a cup of water and bring to a boil. Add enough salt to choke a mule and some pepper. I don’t know how much salt it takes to choke a mule, but it probably takes a lot. Trust me on this though, because there is nothing worse than unsalted gravy. Well there is, eating an undercooked, feathery chicken that has been flopping around in an oven for an hour is probably not very good. Carve up the bird, serve with some greens, mashed potatoes and gravy and bang, yummy dinner!

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