Big Daddy Paul

Some of you may be surprised to know this, but I was a economics major. As such, I believe in capitalism and free markets. There are occasions, where the market can fuck things up (health care, education, defense) so it is not to be trusted. In those instances, government intervention is warranted to correct market failures. Recently, I witnessed a market intervention far more insidious than anything the Republicans have accused Obama of doing.

While at the Fourth of July parade in Piedmont, I saw a parent grab candy and give it to their kid. I know, outrageous! The chief draw to this parade is that the people in the parade throw candy to the kids watching the parade from the sidewalks. (Think of it as Mardi Gras without the alcohol, beads or nipples.) If you are a kid, you have to be fast, because the longer the candy rests on the ground, the higher likelihood that some other, faster kid will beat you to the punch. Those are the rules of engagement, and we fully embraced them: if you wanted a sugary treat, you needed to outfox the pack. That is why Malcolm, with terrible hand/eye coordination and a natural inclination for public shyness, only got 3 pieces of candy at last year’s parade. Here’s what he looked like last year. The other side of the sign said, “Please Throw Me Candy, I’m Slow!” So in case you need help with the analogy, there is a market for candy at the Fourth of July parade, with each child free to operate to accumulate as much candy as possible. The parents are obviously not market participants (even if there is occasionally good candy in the mix) so they function as the role of the government, requiring action only when there is a market failure (like the biggest kid beating up the others and taking all their stuff.)

So, imagine my surprise when this year, Malcolm went down to pick up a lollipop, and WHAM! it was snatched up by some grandparent, who promptly handed the candy to an undeserving kid. Where was the market failure I ask you? Each child has the same chance to grab the sweets! Hey, if your kid can’t pick up the candy by themselves, they have no business eating it. I will overlook inherent contradictions in the right wing views on abortion or the death penalty, but I can’t stand idly by when some rich adult in Piedmont (probably minutes after lambasting welfare) takes candy out of Malcolm’s hand and gives it their useless piece of shit of a kid. My first reaction was to notify the World Trade Organization, but on further reflection, i figured that they might have bigger fish to fry. My only other alternative was to grab the candy out of the other kid’s hand, and explain that they would only get candy to eat if they figured out how to actually collect teh candy themselves. That seemed a little crazy, like when other parents ask malcolm to stop biting their kid, so I just grunted.

Warrantless interventions like this only perpetuate the problem because the undeserving are not incentivized properly. That kid will never learn how to get after it at the parade, and will probably legacy their way into good schools and great jobs, without ever having to learn the skills necessary for them to get what they want in life. In fact, giving candy to lazy kids will worsen the problem, because that candy will make the kid fatter and even more unlikely to be quick enough to seize upon the freebies next year. Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but, well I am. I don’t care. Raise your kids right people!!!! Now, I wonder how all this works at Mardi Gras?

Tags: parenting