Coach Paul Is One Pissed Off Mofo

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Daddy Stories

The one good thing about being on the Royals is that it is not the Dodgers!

I agreed to become an assistant coach for Malcolm’s tee ball team. You may remember that I said I didn’t want to, but I ended up doing it anyways, mostly because it fulfilled the majority of my volunteer hours for Malcolm’s tee ball league. (I also heard that women love a man in uniform, which sounded good, but upon seeing myself in this Kansas City Royals jersey I realized I would have more luck getting laid in Post Office short shorts.)

One of my main fears in becoming a coach was that I was going to have to manage a large number of butterfly chasing, leg humping demons. I made my piece with the job knowing I was just an assistant and that the ultimate responsibility for discipline would lie with the team’s two head coaches. That was the plan, anyways.

I survived the early parts of the season doing what I do best, acting like a big kid myself. I ran with the kids, goofed off with them, and when they acted up I got even sillier. This coincided perfectly with my parenting approach to fight idiocy with insanity. Generally, this worked out pretty well and I have actually enjoyed the first few practices and games.

Yesterday, however, was another story. The kids were awful. During throwing drills, they tried to throw more than one ball at a time. During batting practice, the strayed from our strict “stay behind the cones” policy, nearly leading to me getting hit in the man-tonsils with a bat. They dog-piled on each other during fielding practice. During breaks in the action, they relentlessly tried to cover each others’ faces with their mitts. It wasn’t so much a baseball practice as it was a fraternity game of grab ass.

Instead of redirecting their behavior in my normal manner, I quickly became irritated. I tried to lecture them. I threatened them with some time on the bench. At one point, when the second baseman and the shortstop engaged in some greco-roman wrestling in between at bats, I actually asked them if they would rather wrestle or play baseball. (The answer, which I knew right after I asked, came back a resounding “WRESTLING!!!!”) After a fourth kid asked me if he could stop and get a snack, I irately barked at him that he needed to eat his snack BEFORE practice, muttering under my breath that he could stand to skip a snack or two if wanted to do more than waddle around the base paths.

Exasperated, I took some time to reflect after practice on the debacle that had just taken place. I realized that these weren’t ball players, they were five and six-year-olds. In my attempts to mold them into lean mean tee ball machines, I forgot the whole reason that baseball exists. It’s fun! The kids weren’t trying to ruin my life, they just wanted to have a good time. My job as coach should be to make baseball enjoyable, and no one is having any fun when I act like a dick wad.

So, from now own, I need to go back to goofy Coach Paul. You can draw more flies with cotton candy than angry hornets, and these kids will learn because we are all having fun together. Actually going about this may prove the challenge, but I’m certain that this (rededicated) man in uniform will get the job done. Or perhaps I’ll just wear some short shorts. That’s gotta be good for a few laughs.

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8 responses to “Coach Paul Is One Pissed Off Mofo”

  1. George Brett says:

    You don’t like the uniform? I’m ashamed of you sir. Ashamed.

  2. Pablo Sandoval says:

    Paul,
    I’m a long time fan of your blog. Maybe the kids would respect you more if you looked more like a ball player. A little off-season fitness program would go a long way to transforming your body from a pudgy sack of beer and cheese to a lean piece of beef! I should know. I still dream about food constantly (thus the food analogies) but I’m stinging the baseball and covering more ground at 3rd than G. Brett did in his prime. Anyways, keep up the great posts and wave to me next time you’re at the ballpark.

    Panda

  3. Laurie says:

    Throwing drills in T-ball? That sounds dangerous and irresponsible Paul.

  4. Annie says:

    I think the whole team should wear short shorts… That would be one awesome looking t-ball team!

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