Christmas Carols For The Degenerate

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Miscellaneous Waste of Time

I listen to a lot of Christmas songs over the holidays. Sometimes this can be a bit embarrassing, like when I got in the car with a softball buddy the other night and Jewel singing “Joy To The World” was playing on the radio. In the midst of all the holiday music, sometimes my mind wanders a little and I think, “What would this song be like if it wasn’t a seasonable celebration of good tidings?” Let’s find out!

A Serial Killer Christmas

I need to go home.

It’s very cold outside.

Thanks for the lovely evening, I really had a good time.

Really, really cold out there.

My parents are expecting me. I should get goin’.

The fire roars. Must not upset the fire.

OK, maybe I’ll have another drink.

Good idea, we’ll listen to some records. It’ll be cool.

What’s in this drink?

Don’t worry about it. Have some more.

Hiccup! I can’t feel my face anymore.

I’m gonna hold your hand now. Isn’t this nice?

No! No! No! I am saying no.

(Moving even closer) You’re hurting my pride. I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

I gotta get out of here.

It’s really quite cold outside, and there are no more cabs to take you anywhere.

[Smooth jazz playing in the background.]

I have to leave.

Still freezing.

The answer is no!

Look out the window. No one can save you now.

I have a sister, and she loves me very much.

Your lips look delish. I might try them with some fava beans and a nice mulled Chianti.

My brother is tough and doesn’t take shit from no one.

Just imagine you are on a nice, warm beach. It’ll be much easier that way.

(nervously grabbing a cigarette) I even miss my wicked Aunt. Please,

In fact, I bet your whole face is pretty tasty.

I gotta get out of here! Can I borrow a coat?

You can, but you really don’t want to know what it’s made of.

You’re a nice person. You don’t have to do this.

Your hands are so soft. It puts the lotion on it’s skin.

People will miss me. They’ll talk.

I’ll tell them you caught pneumonia. It’s cold out there, you know.

Muffled violence.

Later the monster sings a duet in his basement with a decapitated head: “Baby, it’s cold outside!” He then eats the head with some Christmas cookies.

Happy Holidays everyone!


4 responses to “Christmas Carols For The Degenerate”

  1. Debra Lilley says:

    OK, step away from the child. Amy have your husband locked up please before his subconcious takes over. For the sake of your son, act now.

  2. Eldora says:

    All of these articles have saved me a lot of hecaedhas.

  3. Eg skulle ysnkje eg kunne vinne denne kalendaren. Helsing hardt arbeidande norskstudent med bokmål som hovudmål, men nynorsk som ein god nr. 2.Hadde vore flott å kunne dele kalendaren med klassa mi.

  4. Pablo. It’s just going to be sad this year handing Favre two losses from the terrible, terrible people of Green Bay, long known for being the worst people in the history of sports…wait that’s not right…hmm….wait…smells more like justice. And Zubi is back commenting! Thanks for posting that video, I was at that game and love me some Green Bay Packers!!!!

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